"Orphan": Alright, so what the ^#$*@ is wrong with Esther, already?

I don't know about you, but the "WHAT IS THE SECRET OF THE EVIL AND PERFECTLY SYMMETRICAL LITTLE GIRL???" ads for the new horror flick Orphan went from intriguing to annoying faster than Lady Gaga on rocket-skates.

So for the good of all, I'm going to offer my five guesses as to what is, indeed, wrong with Esther, so that we can all go back to our empty, echoing, unfulfilled lives and forget this ever happened.

5 Things That Could Be the Fuck Wrong With Esther

(Possible SPOILERS follow, although not to this movie.)

1. She's Lester. Yes, in the biggest Surprise Pickle! since The Crying Game, little Esther is revealed to be a boy who, after being forced to watch Sleepaway Camp nonstop by a sadistic orphanage worker, has discovered his inner Angela. Snips and snails and organs of males: That's what this little girl is made of!

2. She's Edward Norton. Actually, this Fight Club-inspired Big Twist was supposed to be that the orphan Esther winds up being the split identity of lead actress Vera Farmiga, but the producers realized that no one gives a fuck about Vera Farmiga and brought in Edward Norton at the last minute to reprise his role (luckily, Norton was in-between jobs squinting at his co-stars and was happy to help). And BTW, I love Vera Farmiga, but didn't she already make this movie only it was called Joshua?

3. She's a sled.

4. If you take that ribbon off her neck, her head falls off. Okay, that doesn't even make any sense, but does anyone remember that ghost story about the guy who marries the chick with the ribbon around her neck and she says he can never take it off and one night when she's asleep he does anyway and her head falls off and he realizes he'll have to have sex with a headless wife and will probably get stared at a lot when he takes her out to eat in restaurants from that point on? No? K, never mind.

And the REAL thing that's the matter with Esther ...

5. She's never even heard of The Bad Seed.