"The Strangers": Not as strange as we may have hoped

If you're like me (and I pray for your sake that you aren't ... or at least that you have more storage space for all that Pyrex), you saw the preview for the new horror film The Strangers and became unduly excited at the prospect of what might be an honest-to-Xenu scary-ass movie heading to theatres for the first time since ... oh, The Descent?

Well, The Strangers gets about halfway to Terrifying, but pulls off to buy Beef Jerky somewhere around Creepy and ends up using the wrong ramp, and winds up in Half-Baked instead.

My biggest problem with the film is that it's just been done, and done well, too many times before. I will grant that the whole "two helpless people are beseiged by nameless killers whose intentions are never known for no reason" thing hasn't been done in an American studio film before, so maybe it deserves some credit for being relatively uncompromising in its meanness.

But we're not the average multiplex-goer, and we've seen this thing too many times. After the movie's rather laughable final shot, I kept thinking, "It's like Them but without the inter-generational sucker-punch!", or, "It's like Inside but without the pregnancy and buckets of gore!", or, "It's like Funny Games but without all the pesky social commentary", or even, "It's like Vacancy but without the snuff film angle and Frank Whaley's pornstache!"



I'm not saying that a horror movie must - or even should - have a "point". But if not a point, at least give us a plot, or a compelling lead performance, or a really innovative villain. As impressive as it is to be able to create some legitimate suspense (which The Strangers does), is that really enough? Is that how beaten down we are by bad studio horror?

On the plus side, the score and sound design are magnificent, and there are a few good scares and those masks are kinda creepy the first few times you see them. But when a movie starts out with lame FBI murder statistics and a ridiculously somber voiceover telling you how horrible what you're about to see is and then delivers exactly what you expect it to (seriously, from the opening text it's impossible not to know how things are going to play out), it's hard not to feel a bit let down when the filmmakers don't offer any surprises.

After all, suspense and surprise are a director's greatest tools, so why have one without the other?

This week in OH MY SWEET TAPDANCING CHRIST: "Inside"

Those of you who have been with us for a while know that it takes more than a little red stuff or a dead toddler or some simple cannibalism to faze Uncle Buzz. I've sat through tasteless killer lesbians, pretentious predatory gay rednecks, man-eating pigs, and more Lynda Day George than any man should have to suffer, and come out the other end right as rain.

So imagine my delight when I finally came across a movie that genuinely made my jaw drop: The French "reluctant abortion" splatter thriller Inside (Le Interieur, or some shit).

As Roz would say, "Holy mairde."

The film stars Alysson Paradis (the sister-in-law of Johnny Depp) as Sarah, a woman on the eve of giving birth who is stalked by a crazy lady who wants the baby for herself, and is more than happy to cut it out a day early. Sarah begins the film bloodied from a car crash that takes her husband's life, and doesn't seem to really care about anything, including her unborn child. But as the night progresses and the bodies pile up (and my oh my do they pile up...), she begins to fight back like nobody's business. But the stranger (Beatrice Dalle, who has scared the living fuck out of me ever since she ate that teenaged boy alive in Trouble Every Day) is one tough baby-hungry bitch, and she's not going to go down easy.



Will Sarah and her child live through the night? You'll have to watch to see. But be warned - and seriously, I'm saying this from considerable experience - it is some of the bloodiest, most crazy shit I have ever seen. Imagine Dead Alive, but played straight during childbirth. For reals. If you have a weak stomach or are easily offended by some seriously uncomfortable tension, do not seek this one out. But if you're ready to have your nuts pulled up into your guts for 82 minutes, this is the ticket.

Note that the directors, Alexandre Bustillo and Julien Maury, have been tapped by Alpha Horror Gay Clive Barker himself to direct the Hellraiser remake, so you can just imagine how visceral and gooey this shit is.

Oh ... and did I mention it's a Christmas movie? Season's greetings!