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CampBlood.org Reviews: Senseless Rants from a Picky Sissy
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Here's the place to find in-depth, challenging, pointless rants about recent theatrical and DVD releases by your trusty Counselors. If it's got any significance to a queer audience, we'll find it! If it doesn't, we'll make one up!

All Reviews Copyright 2003-10, Stained and Savory Prod.

MOVIE TITLE
AHT
REVIEW TITLE
RATING
9
(2009)
Looks: Ten; Dance: Three.
12 Days of Terror (DVD)
(2004)
Deep Blue Me
2001 Maniacs
(2005)
The South Shall Rise Again
Alice, Sweet Alice
(1976)
Thank Heaven for Little Girls
Anacondas: The Hunt for the Blood Orchid
(2004)
Hot on the Treasure Trail
April Fool's Day
(1986)
Camp Crystal Light
Bad Dreams
(1988)
No! Sleep! For Rubin!
Behind the Mask:
The Rise of Leslie Vernon

(2005)
The Serial Life
Beastly Boyz
(2006)
That's Not What They Mean When They Say "Torture Porn"
Black Christmas
(1974)
There's a Stranger in the Manger...
Blade: Trinity
(2004)
The Gay Blade
Brain Damage
(1989)
Can't Get You Out of My Head
The Brotherhood of Satan
(1971)
A Cock, in a Smock, in Shock
Bubba Ho-Tep
(2003)
Watch Me Do this with NO Elvis Puns!
classic!
The Burning
(1981)
Boys Will Be Girls...
classic!
Burnt Offerings
(1976)
That Not-So-Fresh Feeling
Cabin Fever
(2003)
Sick and Tired
Cabin Fever 2: Spring Fever
Sometimes #2 Feels Better Than #1
Camp Daze
(2005)
Dazed and Amused
Catfish
(2010)
Hook, Line and Sinker
The Cave
(2005)
Les Hunks Spelunks
The Children
(1980)
Why Some Species Eat Their Young
Christmas Evil
(1980)
I Saw Mommy Porking Santa Claus
City in Panic
(1986)
Cruising 2: Pretentious Boogaloo
The Covenant
(2006)
Nothin' Says Lovin' Like Somethin' from the Coven
The Crazies (2010)
The Blue-Collar Comedy Massacre
Cry_Wolf
(2005)
A Wolf in a Stuck-Up Preppy Bitch's Clothing
Cursed
(2005)
Rhymes with "Worst"...

classic!
Curtains
(1983)

Drawn and Quartered
The Dark Hours
(2005)
Cabin Fever, Canadian Style
Damien: Omen II
(1978)
To the Devil... A Sandwich.
Darkness
(2002)
This Old Dark House
Dawn of the Dead
(2004)
When There's No More Room in Hell, Horror Films will Look Like Gatorade Commercials.
Daybreakers
(2010)
Since when do vampires have to take themselves so damned seriously?
classic!
Dead and Buried (DVD)
or, "Why Not to Trust Fishermen"
Dead End
(2003) (DVD)
Over the Metaphorical River and Through the Quasirepresentational Mythic Woods
Dead Serious
(2005)
And You Thought YOUR Local Gay Bar was Scary...

classic!
Deadly Blessing
(1981)

He-She Who Walks Behind the Rows
classic!
Death Weekend
(House By the Lake)
Vicarious Vaccaro Vacation Violence
Delta Delta Die! (DVD)
Clash of the Tit__s
The Descent
Drop Dead Gorges
The Descent Part 2
How to Fuck Up a Sequel
The Devil's Rejects
Finally, a Film that Smells Like Dirty Hair
Dolls
A Grand Old American Cheesefest
Dominion: A Prequel to the Exorcist
God-Awful NONE
Eternal
Thighs Wide Shut
Evil Laugh
It's Not Laughing AT You, It's Laughing IN SPITE OF You.
Evils of the Night
(DVD)
Let's Hear It for the Boys
Evilspeak
Porky's Revenge
The Exorcism of Emily Rose
Earnest Goes to Camp

classic!
Eyes of a Stranger
(1981)
The Love Boat Drops Anchor
Faceless (DVD)
(1987)
Best. Moonlighting. Episode. Ever.
classic!
The Fan (DVD)
(1981)
Bacall Me Irresponsible
Feed
(2005)
Stupercize Me
Final Exam
(1981)
There's Something About Radish...
Final Destination 3
(2006)
Third Time's a Shame
Final Examination (DVD)
(2003)
Through the Looking Ass
The Fog
(2005)
Mist Opportunity NONE
The Fourth Kind
(2009)
If you're looking for signs of intelligent sci-fi filmmaking, look elsewhere.
Freddy vs. Jason
(2003)
"We've Finally Found the Ultimate Weapon Against Ultimate Evil. And it's Cleavage."
classic!
Friday the 13th
(1980)
Back Before Camp was Camp
classic!
Friday the 13th Part 2

(1981)
His Girl Friday
Ginger Snaps 2: Unleashed
(2004)
Never Mind the Wee-Wee Pads
Ginger Snaps Back: The Beginning
(2004)
Ginger Snaps? More Like Dump Cake.
classic!
God Told Me To (DVD)
(1976)
God Told Me To... Zhuzh It!
Gothika
(2003)
Tara Reid, Your Services are Needed
The Graveyard
(aka Persecution)
(1974)
Don't Die Over Spilt Milk
The Grudge
(2004)
Glossed in Translation
Halloween II
(2009)
What I Learned from Rob Zombie's Halloween II. ZERO
Halloweens 4&5
(1988 & 1989)
The Wholesaling of Michael Myers
and
Hard
(1998)
...to Sit Through
Haute Tension
(2003)
Men, Women, and Parlor Tricks
The Hazing
(2004)
Pledge Wipes
Hell High
(1989)
A Teen Slasher That Is Neither Teen Nor Slasher. Discuss.
Hellbent
(2004)
Scream, Queens
Hellboy
(2004)
Sometimes You Feel Like a Freak, Sometimes You Don't
Hide and Seek
(2005)
How About "Hide and Suck"?
The Hills Have Eyes
(1977)
...and They're Glazing Over
The Hills Have Eyes
(2006)
The Hills Are Alive... With the Sound of Whining
Homicidal
(1961)
More Like "Homocidal"
Horsemen
(2009)
Neeeiiiiiiiiggggghhh!
Hostel
(2005)
Backpack Mountain
Hostel Part 2
(2007)
Hostel Makeover
House of the Dead
(2003)
"Give Me Liberty or Give Me Death" NONE
The House of the Devil
(2009)
Worst. Babysitting. Gig. EVER.
House of Wax
(2005)
House of Lax
The House on Skull Mountain
Worth the Climb.
The Human Centipede: First Sequence
(2010)
She's Got Le-egs!
I, Madman
(1989)
I, Fagfan
I'll Bury You Tomorrow
(2002)
A Snowball's Chance in New Jersey
In My Skin
(2002)
All the Guilt, None of the Calories!
In the Blood
(2006)
NO POSTER AVAILABLE
No Vein Effort
The Incubus
(1981)
Planned Parenthood: The Demon Years
classic!
The Initiation

(1984)
Welcome to the Pity Party!
Jennifer's Body
(2009)
Girl Power failure
Special Feature:
Ju-On
(all of 'em!)
(2000-2004)
The Gift that Keeps On Giving
classic!
Just Before Dawn

(1981)
With a French Twist that Has to Be Seen to Be Believed!
Kill Bill (vol 1)
(2003)
The Movie So Redundant, They Made it Twice
Killer Party
(1986)
The Kentucky Fried Horror Movie
The Killing Hour
(1982)
Eyes of Lorna Mears
The Killing Kind
(1973)
His Mother, the Car
King of the Ants
(2003)

With or Without Hillbilly Teeth
Land of the Dead
(2005)

They're Here. They're Queer. And They're Going to Eat You.
The Last Exorcism
(2010)
The Devil is in the Details
classic!
The Last of Sheila (DVD)
(1973)

Mr. Green, on the Poop Deck, with the Poolboy
classic!
The Legacy (DVD)
(1978)

More Like "The Crotchecy"
Long Weekend
(1978)

Hey, Honey -- Why So Tents?
Looker
(1981)

America's Next Dropped Model
The Lost Skeleton of Cadavra
(2003 release)

The Road to Rural California is Paved with Good Intentions
Love Me Deadly
(1973)
If you’ve ever dreamed of seeing Wonder Woman’s Steve Travor marry a necrophiliac mouth-breather with an Electra complex and a weakness for crocheted tops, this is the movie for you!
Love Object
(2003)

Makin' Love Outta Nothin' At All
Make a Wish
(2002)

I Did. And the Movie's Still There.
Marronnier
(2003)

And You Thought Furbies Were Evil!
Mortuary
(2005)

Calling All Hooper Troopers
Mother's Day
(1980)

Make Room for Queenie
Murder-Set-Pieces
(2004)

Bei Mir Bist Du Shame
Murder by Phone
(1982)

Dial B for Boredom
My Little Eye
(2002)

(DVD)

Everything's Fun and Games Until OH MY GOD!!

classic!
Night of the Creeps
(1986)
Requiem for a Queen
classic!
Night School
(1981)
The Proof is in the Porridge

Night Watch
(2004)
Action-Horror Worth Russian For
classic!
A Nightmare on Elm Street 2: Freddy's Revenge
(DVD)
THE GAYEST HORROR FILM EVER MADE
Nine Lives (DVD)
(2002)
Meow meow meow meow, Meow meow meow meow, Meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow NONE
The Omen
(2006)
You Have Been Warned
One Dark Night
(1983)
...One Long, Dark, Booooring Night
Open Water
(2004)
Sushi: The Revenge
Orca
(1977)
Free Willy vs. the Crusty Seamen
Orphan
(2009)
John and Kate Plus Hate
Otto: Or, Up with Dead People
(2009)
John and Kate Plus Hate
Pan's Labyrinth
(2006)
Simply Amazing
Paranormal Activity
(2009)
Unfortunately, the scariest thing about this movie is the couple's taste in home furnishings.
Party Monster
(2003)
From 'Richie Rich' to Kenny Kenny
A Perfect Getaway
(2009)
A Good Hike Spoiled
The Phantom of the Opera (Andrew Lloyd Webber's)
(2004)
Bring Me the Head of Andrew Lloyd Webber NOT A FUCKING ONE
Pin
(1988)
Spastic Plastic
Private Parts
(1972)
Private Lessons
classic!
Prom Night
(1980)
Disco Bloodbath
classic!
The Prowler
(1981)
or, "Why We Should Kill Our Children"
Repo Men
(2009)
Keep Your Receipt.
Resident Evil: Afterlife 3D
(2010)
Deal-a-Milla
The Ring Two
(2005)
Watch Out for the Wet Spot
Rogue
(2007)
Rock out with your Croc out
classic!
Savage Weekend
(1979)
"Ever Tasted It Fresh?"

Saw
(2004)
What the Butler Saw

Saw II
(2005)
Sequel Opportunity
Scary Movie 3
(2003)
The Shlocky Horror Minstrel Show NONE
Scream for Help
(1985)
Winner Takes It All (And Fucks It Up)
Seed of Chucky
(2004)
Chucky Gets Yucky
Shaun of the Dead
(2004)
Brideshead Re-Animated
Silent Night, Deadly Night
(1984)
Santa, Baby - Hurry Down My Chimney Tonite
Skeletons
(1996)
Closets are for Skeletons, not People
Slither
(2006)
'Til Slugs Do Us Part
Slumber Party Massacre II
(1987)
Heavy on the Slum, Light on the Party
Snakes on a Plane
(2006)
The Serpents, Sans Rainbow
Sorority Row
(2009)
A good slice of Pi
Splice
(2010)
The genetic recipe for summer movie perfection?
Suicide Club (DVD)
(2002)
Happy No Shocking Strawberry Chaosss!!!
Tamara
(2005)
A Sheep in Hooker's Clothing
Ten to Midnight (DVD)
(1983)
Hot. Cross. Buns.
classic!
Terror Train (DVD)
(1980)
All Aboard the Trannie Train!
The Texas Chainsaw Massacre
(2003)

Intolerable Cruelty: The Revenge
The Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning
(2006)

It Seems to Me I've Heard This Saw Before...
Three...Extremes
(2005)

With Sick You Get Eggroll
Tintorera
(1977)

Fish Tacos
Toolbox Murders
(2004)

Better Call the Plumber!

classic!
Tourist Trap

(1979)

The Film that Launched a Thousand Shits
Tower of Evil
(DVD)
Sometimes a Tower is Just What's in My Pants
Toxic Zombies
Bad Weed.
Trick 'r Treat (DVD)
(2009)
With all apologies to Laurie Strode, there's a new sheriff in town!
classic!
Troll 2
(DVD)
So Bad, You'd Think It's Italian!
classic!
Twisted Nerve
Twisted Nerve, Chapped Ass

Undead
(2003)
What's Australian for "Berserker"?

Underworld
(2003)
Lycan, but Not Lovin'
classic!
Unhinged
(1982)
Somebody Call a Somnambulance!!

Vamp
(1986)
Jesus, Jones!

Van Helsing
(2004)
The Loudest Nap You'll Ever Take

Vanilla (DVD)
(2006)
Sweet Dreams

Venom
(2005)
A Whiter Shade of Trash
War of the Worlds
(2005)
Private Ryan's Day Out
White Dog
Two Guys, a Girl, and James Brolin

Witchboard
(1985)
Two Guys, a Girl, and James Brolin
Wolf Creek
(2005)
A Wolf in Sheep's Clothing

The Wolfman
(2010)

Wolfman's Got NARDS!

Wrong Turn
(2003)
"Come to West Virginia: America's FreakBasket"
Zombieland
(2009)
Like the elusive Twinkie at its core, it's a lightweight, sugar-filled, irresistible treat.

 

Cream of the Crop (5 Skullies)

Black Christmas

Dead and Buried

The Descent

Night of the Creeps

A Nightmare on Elm Street 2: Freddy's Revenge

Pan's Labyrinth

The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (2003)

 

Cream of the Crap (0 Skullies)

Dominion: A Prequel to the Exorcist

The Fog

House of the Dead

Nine Lives

The Phantom of the Opera (2004)

Scary Movie 3

 


 

Overlooked Gems

April Fool's Day

Brain Damage

The Children

Curtains

Eyes of a Stranger

Just Before Dawn

Long Weekend

My Little Eye

Night School

Savage Weekend

Ten to Midnight

 

And don't forget: the Homo Horror Guide has even more mini-reviews of the queerest horror films of all time.