... consider this stocking stuffed.

Yet again I have willingly wasted hours of my precious time to cull an assortment of atrocities from the World Wide Web for you, my cherished readership. Each items is actually available for purchase on the internet.

Enjoy!

Proud Hunter Statue
For all your vegetarian friends, this realistic depiction of man triumphing over the threat of wildlife is a poignant yet beautiful reminder of our place on the food chain. Lifelike hunter comes complete with redneck moustache and chromosomally-comprimised thin eyelids.

Prosthetic Fingers
Great for frostbite victims, these realistic fingers can also be slipped into bowls of figgy pudding for some holiday hijinx.

Chin Strap
This nifty item is apparently for tightening your face while you sleep, but to me it looks like a torture device from The Marathon Man. Beatific facial expression not included.

Escape Mask (for her)
Have friends who are convinced that another attack is imminent? This stylish and functional Escape Mask is a thoughtful and practical gift. Also great for that friend with the auto-erotic exphyxiation fetish -- just take out the batteries!

... and for Baby, Too!
Make fallout fun for the little ones with this matching children's model!

Bunion Regulator
I had no idea that cantilevered devices like this could be used to control foot growths. Ideal for foot fetishes and librarians.

Mark of the Devil Souvenir Barf Bag
Make vomiting fun -- and collectible! -- with this B-movie must-have collectible. Ebay says it's unused.

Kellie, "A Warrior and a Christian"
Give the gift of guilt with these incredibly lifelike, hand-crafted replicas of preemie babies. Real-life portraits of preemie children born before the age of viability, these are designed to make women who have had abortions break down in "healing tears". 'Tis the season!

Head Cleaning Cabinet
Head cleaning - it's not just for VCRs anymore! Surprise the serial killer on your list with a professional livestock head cleaning cabinet. Complete with head hook, stainless-steel walls, and adjustable hose, this thoughtful gift will keep your neighborhood psycho's crawlspace clean and grist-free all year round. Also makes a great Polyanna gift!

Santa's Bitch Lingerie Set
Nothing says Christmas like a crop-top/thong combo, and this spicy little number is no exception! Spread the cheer with this festive "Santa's Bitch" intimates set, and praise Jesus!

4-Hour Pet Shelter
This is simply a must for those pet-lovers on your list: a portable hazardous condition shelter that buys their furry one an extra 4 hours of breathable oxygen. Also great for babies!

Oversized Workout Tank
Yes, folks -- that's how the website billed this tempting piece of exercise wear. A must for anyone who listens to Right Said Fred.

Muttshuggenah!
For those non-Christians on your "holiday" list, these his-n-hers Chanukah dog outfits are a must.

Child's Hazmat Suit
Your child will be the talk of the town in this stylish and live-saving outfit. Warning: suit does not repel punches, spitballs, or verbal abuse.

Sleeping Hedgehog Baby
Picturing children as roadkill is a long-cherished artistic tradition, here rendered by the incomparable Anne Geddes in this charming plush.

Santa Vibrator
Santa can hurry down your chimney all year 'round with this naughty -- and nice! -- self-pleasuring tool. Please remove decorative hat before use.