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Postcard
from the Edge: Primeval Edition
So the other nite the Droid and I wanted to go
out to see a movie. He really wanted to check out the "it's
about a serial killer it's not about a serial killer it's a giant
crocodile but the hottie from Prison Break and
the last vestiges of Orlando Jones's careet and
that's kinda rocka and roll" movie Primeval,
which promised to openly suck. My favorite one-word review of the
film, from the esteemed TheMovieChicks, read simply,
"Primeawful".
First
off, it was about as cold as a bareback TonTon ride outside -- we
literally ran the few blocks from the subway to the theatre and
back again, like two well-dressed orcs charging through Union Square.
We got to the theatre very early (hell -- I don't dilly-dally in
the cold!) and so we milled abou the upstairs lobby, discussing
the bad poster art and such. Suddenly, and without warning, a tiny
person emerged unexpectedly from beneath a black draped cloth and
asked up how old we were. We responded and she asked if we would
like to come into her black-draped little shanty to watch a video
and talk about it. Now, usually when I'm asked to go into a dark
little room and watch a video with someone, there ain't exactly
much talkin'. But we relented and she took down our names and ages
and started asking us bizarre questions, like, "do you like
Tom Arnold". I thought the answer to that
one was pretty much a given, unless "Who's Tom Arnold"
is also an optional answer. She also asked if we'd heard of an upcoming
movie called Pride -- I said I had, thinking it
was that movie about the killer lions that was announced a way back
At
this point we watched, with broken headphones, the jarring second
half of a trailer for an upcoming movie called Pride (which
was not, as I had believed, about killer lions) which consisted
of exactly this:
Shot
of man in Speedo on diving board. He says "This is our house"
to someone off-screen.
Shot of Terrence Howard working a full fro. He
nods sagely.
Shot of woman in swimsuit on diving board. She says, "This
is our house", presumably to Howard.
Shot of Bernie Mac crying uncontrollably, either
in elation, rage, or extreme pain -- it's not possible to tell.
Shot of another man in Speedo on diving board. He says, "This
is our house".
Shot of Terrence Howard, crying uncontrollably
as he raises his hand and yells something.
PRIDE
fin
In
case you're wondering, this made absolutely no sense to us at the
time -- and the woman running the show (who looked like a Muppet
Babies version of Rosie O'Donnell, if
you really need to know) made no attempt to play the first half
of the preview for us -- she just asked us questions anyway. "Would
you want to see this movie?" Uh... what? "What do you
think this movie is about?" Well, it sure as shit ain't about
killer lions... Wait, why was Bernie Mac crying like that? Is he
okay?
After
that and having a large mouse run through the theatre before the
movie started (it actually paused under a set a few rows ahead of
me and stared, like he knew I had a wheel of cheese in my pocket),
Primeval was about the least entertaining thing
that happened that night. Sure, it's interesting to see a CGI croc
chomp a CGI person's head until it pops like a grape, but really
-- all that crap just looks the same after awhile. The whole thing
was messy both politically and in terms of the monster animal element
-- it was like Blood Diamond and Dynocroc
were shot on the same set and the footage was mixed together in
some terrible turbine accident. And Dominic Purcell keeps
his shirt on the whole way through. Coy dog...
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