I Still Know to Keep My Crabs to Myself
In a record low for the I Still Know! movie still challenge (gasp!), only 4 people got this week's answer right. I'd like to attribute the poor showing to the fact that all you pervs were hypnotized by the tender, marinating buns of John Hamill (in a still from the totally batshit fabulous Tower of Evil) to focus properly, but chances are more likely that no one has seen the film. Well, now you know one of the reasons that I like it so much. Even the crabs love John Hamill's pooper!

I Still Know! Week 5 Winners (in no particular odor)
dogballz
Tintorera Joe
spazmo
tommyross

And the 2-point Dishonorable Mention this week goes to BoyBlunder for his concise and not-terribly-outlandish guess: "The Incredible Shrinking Man Meets Paris Hilton". Lots of entries gunning for the prize this week, but this one really tickled my fancy. Sorry, fellas! This brings the leaderboard to look something like this:

I Still Know! Leaderboard
1. spazmo / BoyBlunder (compromising embrace)
3. tommyross / dogballz (2-piece jugband)
5. Elio / Tintorera Joe / WileEphile (double-dutch competition)

There will be no still next week -- more for your sake than for mine (I'd hate to imagine any of you sick bastards rushing away from your Christmas ham/turkey/hooker to play this silly game). I will be posting a review (Pan's Labyrinth) or two and some news next week, but I Still Know! will be going sleepy-time until January 1st. Rest up for the next round!

And happy holidays to ya, kids. God bless us, every stinkin' one.

Tidings of Comfort and Dead Co-Eds
Hey, skittles. As promised, I actually got my shiite together this week and wrote a review -- crazy thing, right? Considering this is, you know, a MOVIE REVIEW site and all? Next thing you know I'll actually see the movies before writing about them. LUNACY!

Anyway, seeing as how the gorgeous, newly-transferred, Dolbified, gold-plated edition of the holiday classic Black Christmas just came out last week (complete with a completely insane poolside interview with Margot Kidder that looks like it was shot by a drunk infant with a fetish for espionage films from the 70s -- she's literally assaulted with a Zeiss zoom lens for the duration of her segment), I thought I'd share some much-anticipated (right...) thoughts on it here. So head on over to the Reviews page (which now boasts a full 150 reviews -- how fucked up is THAT?! What kind of loser am I?!?!) to check it out.

And hey -- I just noticed that my post from last Friday has, like, totally vanished. And here I thought I was the only one who had blackouts around here. Weird...

Vicious Christmas at the Pioneer
Those punks over at the Two Boots Pioneer Theatre in the good ole Least Village, NYC, have outdone themselves this year. We're used to the Pioneer remaining true to the grindhouse spirit of the underground, but the crop of disturbing holiday fare they have running this year is just brilliant. We've got a 35mm print of the classic Santa slasher Silent Night, Deadly Night (no small feat, actually). There's a 35mm print of the surprisingly solid cult fave Christmas Evil (complete with an appearance by director Lewis Jackson -- and who knows, maybe Fiona Apple will show up to see her Daddy in the lead role?). Then there's Elves (yikes...), Santa Smokes, Goodbye 20th Century: A Film About the Merry Santa Claus Who in Rage Destroys the World, Racist Christmas cartoons, and to top it off, on Christmas Day itself -- Cabaret!! Yes, a Jewish movie -- and they'll be serving Chinese food! Whatever -- I fucking love Cabaret and I'm not ashamed of it. And Baby Jesus would want it that way.

Anyway, for the full schedule, head on over to their spanky website. Happy holidays, sickos!!

I Still Know: Week 5
Go on -- take a stab at it!

Buzz, Abroad
Not "Buzz, A Broad", mind you -- although I've been called worse in my day.

Anyway, as I've been writing more and more for other outlets I thought I'd keep y'all appraised of what's been up, especially when it still tangentially relates to homo horror. While if given the chance I'd do nothing but pontificate on the homoerotic subtext of the C.H.U.D. movies and deconstruct the various hairstyles of obscure Canadian actresses day in and day out, the truth is that my alcoholism isn't funding itself and I've got to go where the gigs are.

So following the big hubbub over my article on the Heroes de-gaying debacle last week over at AfterElton.com, this week I've got a piece on The Year in Queer Movies (yes, I spend some time on the horror films, just for you nutters), as well as a recent blog post on trashy Christmas entertainment (and wouldn't you know that Silent Night, Deadly Night and a few other chestnuts work their way in).

So please don 't think I've abandoned the Camp for bigger and better things -- I'm actually taking the Camp to the people by insinuating my foul self into regular entertainment sites. Kind of like Paris Hilton's vagina, but without the accompanying odor.

Enjoy!

Your Himbo Needs You!
So, funny story...

It seems that over at Pretty-Scary.net (our non-related-by-blood-or-marriage-but-still-close-enough-to-call-a-sister site), the end-of-year voting for the Scary Stud of the Year is getting pretty vicious. Even funnier is the fact that the two front-runners, director Tim Sullivan (of 2001 Maniacs) and actor/producer/jungle gym Joe Zaso (of the upcoming Barricade and pretty much anything ever filmed on Long Island), are both frequent guests here at the Camp. See the kind of unsavory appetites this place attracts?!

Anyway, I've cast my vote in the competition, and it went to Mr. Zaso. Because let's face it: when it comes to being studly in horror, he's pretty much got it down. And the great tits don't exactly hurt.

If you'd like to cast your own vote, head on over and swing the results! If we're lucky, we may take the House AND the Senate! Wait a minute... what day is it? Hey, how long have I been asleep, anyway?!

I Don't Need Another Hero
You may have noticed that I've been totally geeking over the NBC show Heroes since it started. Is it Invasion? No. Is it Buffy? No. But it's still totally fun, has a bunch of clever mysteries, and allows me the opportunity to watch Ali Larter try to act herself out of a paper bag (unsuccessfully) on a weekly basis. Honey, don't worry -- if it don't work, we'll just drop a forty-ounce in there with you and call it a curb party. Woo-hoo!

Anyway, the folks at NBC prolly aren't too happy with me right now. Last week I was writing a puff-piece about the character of Zach on the show for AfterElton, and my exchanges with the management of the actor that plays Zach and the publicity department at NBC led to a much more interesting story.

It seems that although Zach was meant to be a gay character (and nearly came out as one -- even NBC's own website said that he "admitted that he was gay" in the recap of the "Homecoming" episode), he no longer is. And that makes me wonder why.

And it makes me write about it.

If you're curious, head on over and read the piece. Interestingly enough, series creator Tim Kring wrote an email to my editor essentially agreeing with the piece and apologizing for the way that the character was mistreatead (not that I think he was remotely responsible, but it was certainly good of him to touch base). The email's on AfterElton's blog, if you want to check it out after reading the article.

And that's enough of my being serious for the day. Ryan Reynolds' man-fur! Yaaay!

I Still Know: Sick Brick Special!
Eric Weber's Sick Brick Challenge is back, hookers! Come on -- you all know what movie the image at the right is from, you've just never seen it rendered so beautifully in blocks before, right? RIGHT?!

Head on over to the contest page and get your groove on!

I Still Know Not to Fuck with Grace Jones
That's right, kiddies -- this week's fabulously ill-mannered I Still Know! image comes from Vamp, a horror-comedy that really sounds better than it actually is, despite starring completely insane (and totally silent) Grace Jones as a vampire stripper with a fetish for Keith Haring body-paint. While many of you kids got it wrong this week (Fright Night was a popular, and not too outlandish, guess), only one will win the coveted Dishonorable Mention prize... who will it be?

I Still Know Week 3 Winners (in no particular order)
spazmo
dogballz
tommyross
boyblunder
hambone

And the winner of this week's 2-point Dishonorable Mention prize goes to Elio for his answer: "Fright Night... Or Calista Flockhart after a ROUGH night with Harrison..."

I Still Know! Leaderboard
1. tommyross / boyblunder / spazmo (3-legged race)
4. Dogballz
5. WileEphile / Elio (7 minutes in heaven)

Thanks, kids! Be sure to tune in Monday for an all-new challenge!

Scary Mary
The whole "recutting trailers to make classic movies seem completely different" thing has really become the art form of the year, hasn't it? From "Shining" (Kubrick's classic mindf*ck recut as a heartwarming family comedy) to the glut of Brokeback Mountain parodies ("Brokeback to the Future" was probably the best), cheeky trailers seem to be the slashfic of the digital editing generation.

Yesterday lovely reader Ed sent me a link to what is possibly my favorite fake trailer thus far: Scary Mary, the preview that reveals Mary Poppins as the demonic psychopath she really was... Enjoy!!

The Knee Jerk: December 8th
I see non-horror-type-movies too, yaknow! Not that they're ever any good.

Blood Diamond
This bloated piece of self-important shit is one French cruller away from being a Sally Struthers commercial for the Christian Children's Fund. And don't get me wrong -- the "message" (if that's what you want to call the grain of sentiment buried under all this shallow, self-congratulatory Hollywood posturing and misplaced, badly-filmed action) of Blood Diamond -- that people shouldn't be killed for jewelry -- is pretty hard to argue with. But honestly, has Edward Zwick ever made a film that didn't feel like a 4-day history seminar sponsored by Hallmark? Sure, Leo's fine, Jennifer Connelly is fine (and has tamed those eyebrows, for once), and Djimon Hounsou is actually superb (and totally hot, I might add) -- but the film is so bogged down by its own inflated sense of self-importance that it's really more like being lectured to by someone who spontaneously bursts into peals of machine-gun fire every ten minutes. Oh -- and the rap song that plays over the end credits is the hottest thing since LL Cool J sang "Deepest and bluest, my hat looks like a shark's fin!" at the end of Deep Blue Sea (and we all know the hip hop record industry has NEVER actively encouraged the purchase of diamonds). I call it "Ramifying the Stone". I seriously want my time back. And a tennis bracelet... oh, I KEED! I KEED!

I Still Know: Week 3
Have at it, bitches.

Van Damme It!
Just in case you were wondering, this is the kind of week it's shaping up to be:

Jackman, Meet Ramsbottom
No these aren't the discarded gay character ideas from the He-Man universe. I was watching some celebrity fitness show on cable the other night and they were talking about how Hugh Jackman got into shape to play Wolverine in the X-Men movies. Apparently he had a celebrity trainer named -- wait for it -- Steve Ramsbottom.

Okay, even if you don't consider the persistent (and likely completely ridiculous) gay rumors that dog song-and-dance-man/Peter Allen impersonator/object of gay just Jackman, what are the chances of his getting a trainer with the last name "Ramsbottom"? I mean, and his name's "Jack-man"? This shit's like something out of a lost MAD TV sketch -- seriously, if I made this shit up you'd never believe me.

So to prove it, I've posted a pic of our beloved bottom-rammer at the right. Sure, I bet the guy's gotten more than enough shit for his name in his lifetime already, but it looks like he's doing just fine regardless. Happy Monday!

I Still Know That a Row of Heads is Better Than No Head at All
First off, I'm simply delighted at how well Eric Weber's Sick Brick Challenge has gone over -- you kids really seem to like seeing your favorite horror moments commemorated in Lego. Not quite sure what that says about you, but I'll go with it. The answer of course is the fabulously deranged Motel Hell, one of the few genuinely successful horror/comedies out there. Lots of you sickos got it right, and only one person didn't -- but that's okay, because he still wins the Dishonorable Mention bonus points! Here's how things look now:

I Still Know! Week 2 Winners
tintorera joe
WileEphile
tommyross
spazmo
boyblunder

I Still Know! Leaderboard
1. tommyross / spazmo / boyblunder / WileEphile (4-way tie/key party)
5. Dogballz

And this week's Dishonorable Mention goes to Mad Hatter for his guess: "It's from the remake of Texas Chainsaw Massacre, when Sheriff Hoyt and Luda Mae head out to their garden to pick fresh heads of lettuce for the dinner salad. Yeah, I totally know it's the wrong fucking answer."

Thanks to y'all for playing -- folks, it's anyone's game right now. Be sure to check in next Monday for another challenge!

The Knee Jerk: December 1st
Non-horror releases for this week that still might have some appeal to you folks (i.e., NOT Van Wilder: The Rise of Taj):

3 Needles
Thom Fitzgerald's challenging three-piece AIDS epic is being released on World AIDS Day, and for the purposes of starting a discussion about the epidemic and its global impact, it's certainly worthwhile. As a narrative, though, it's not quite as successful. The stagey voiceover and formal structure are more awkward and precocious than anything else, and the three segments are wildly different in tone, which leads to a very uneven watch. Fitzgerald told me in an interview a few weeks ago that the intention was to yank the viewer out of his own point of view by completely dipping them into another culture, and while that makes sense in theory it doesn't translate entirely on screen. The first segment, set in China (and starring Lucy Liu), is the weakest and most self-consciously bleak of the three; the second, in Montreal (with X-Men's Shawn Ashmore as an HIV-positive porn star and Stockard Channing as his crafty but unscrupulous mother) is a pitch-black and rather distasteful comedy (not that that's a bad thing -- I actually found the distastefulness refreshing in the face of so much dogged earnesty); the third segment stars Chloe Sevigny, Olympia Dukakis and Sandra Oh as missionary nuns in South Africa whose attempts to convert the infected dying are complicated when Sevigny's character becomes involved in trying to save the local children from rape. The third act's tone is one of rage, and while overall the film is undeniably depressing and a bit heavy-handed, it does have the impact of stirring up your convictions and starting dialogue. Interesting that a director who has made several films about gay identity would make an AIDS film that has no gay characters and doesn't even use the word AIDS once. If the ultimate message of 3 Needles is that we need to look at the epidemic from a different perspective if we want to have any hope to fight it, that's hard to argue with -- faulted movie or no.

From Weeotch to Beeotch
For the two of you who went to see The Covenant in theatres (yes, I paid to see it, and it really wasn't as bad as it could have been), you might be interested to know that the H.I.T. (Himbo-In-Training) who played the baddie, Sebastian Stan, is gaying it up in the new movie The Architect, which opens this week. I haven't seen the flick, but apparently Stan gets involved in some mano-y-mano action on a rooftop with another youth -- and he's apparently got a touch of the jungle fever, as well! Hats off to Stan for knocking down both gay AND interracial boundaries in one role -- pretty daring move for a guy who has thus far only been known for homoerotic male witch movies. Okay, maybe not so much.

Anyway, the movie also stars Anthony LaPaglia, Isabella Rossellini, Hayden Panetierre (the cheerleader from Heroes), and a few people whose names I can actually fucking SPELL, Viola Davis and Paul James.

Blech Christmas
I love Christmas, really I do. But this holiday season is hard to really enjoy with the steaming pile of horseshit that is the Black Christmas remake sitting in the corner by the radiator and fouling up the pine-scented air. I was unfortunate enough to get into an advance screening of this stinker about 4 months ago and was appalled both at how bad it was as a remake of one of the best and most revered slashers ever made, and as a basic piece of horror entertainment. It has no pace, the characters are utterly interchangeable, and it looks cheap. There's also waaay too much time paid on the villain's backstory, not to mention a completely retarded final-scene twist that makes absolutely no sense. The gore moments are not disturbing, just distasteful -- and the kills are incredibly redundant. Really, if you've seen one co-ed with a plastic bag over her head getting her eyes popped out, you've seen a baker's dozen.

Anyway, I kind of tried to pretend that the whole thing never happened, but now the publicity machine has shuddered to life and there's shit all over the web about the movie. I ran across a rather hilarious tirade about the movie's new trailer over at Arrow in the Head -- and while he hasn't seen the movie, he's kind of dead on in the fact that half the stuff in the trailer wasn't in the version I saw. Now, they could have gone in and reshot entire scenes and entire kills, but honestly there's no point polishing a turd, as my grandma used to say. And look how I turned out!

The only thing I disagree with him on is the whole "the suits are demanding reshoots and compromising the integrity of Glen Morgan's vision" nonsense. Hey -- I saw the first cut of this and it was garbage, so these suits are actually trying to IMPROVE the movie and hopefully make back their money, and God bless 'em.

Anyway, read his article, which also links to the lengthy trailer, which actually makes the movie look far more interesting than it really is. For shame, people. Margot Kidder just rolled over in her grave. Wait -- she's not dead? Well, under her bush, then.

I Still Know: Sick Brick Special!
I'm so excited to unleash this week's very special I Still Know! movie still challenge on you crazy kids. Horror nut and building block artist Eric Weber has graciously contributed a series of Lego horror movie recreations to the cause -- every now and then we'll be working them into the contest. The first Sick Brick special is at the right -- the rules are the same as usual, so head on over to the contest page and play ball! Or some other improperly-appropriated sports analogy!

Pre-Order Some Joe!
Noted himbo, object of affection (cough!lust!cough!) and all-around gem Joe Zaso dropped me a note today to let me know that his newest flick, the German-lensed survival horror pic Barricade, is now available for pre-order via Cinema Image's website. And get this -- if you pre-order now, you'll also get a signed photo of Joe to go with it!

Kids, nothing says "stuff my stocking" like an autrographed Joe Zaso pic. True, the street date of the film is after Christmas, but a rain check never killed anyone, right? And not for nothin', but there's a skinny dipping scene in this one, kids. Pickle-shots are the gifts that keep on giving!!

Anyway, head on over to the site to order, or check out a preview of the movie on the official MySpace page.

Chopping Mall
Now that Black Friday is over (or as Michael Richards would call it, "Stick a Fork in It" Friday), you're probably sitting at home with 24 Old Navy puffy vests and enough toilet paper to last a year, but no actual gifts worth giving to anyone you really care about.

Luckily, CampBlood.org is here to help you check some items off your list. Last year I got all uppity and posted something about buying local and artist-direct rather than going to Wal-Mart and other megalithic chains, but this year I'll try another tactic and simply remind you that if you give someone something well-designed and unique that they've never seen before, it makes you look like 50 times cooler than if you hand them something from The Gap. Just sayin'.

So here are some Christmas shopping ideas for all y'all horror-lovin' homos (and some things completely unrelated to horror that I just think are cool). Don't worry, the Last Minute Christmas Gifts from Hell feature will come later -- I'm just getting the legit stuff out of the way in the off chance that someone actually takes my advice and buys one of these things. Enjoy, and happy shopping!!

Skull Plate ($8.50)

Brain Tie Tack ($8.95)

Frankenstein Stencil ($10.50)

Mammoth Book of Best New Horror 2006 ($11.16)

Corporate Zombies ($13.50)

Skull Hand Towel ($15 -- I think the olive green one is awesome)

King of the Woods Tee ($15)

See No Evil (book on the "video nasty" phenomenon by the authors of the excellent Killing for Culture) ($19.72)

"Left Wing" Tee ($24)

Games Magazine Subscription ($26.95 for one year)

Gothic Side Plate Set ($28)

R.I.P. Tee ($32)

Cat Acupuncture Model ($34.95)

Dungeons & Dragons: The Complete Animated Series ($39.99)

DVD Rentals: 2 Month's Worth of 3-Out at GreenCine.com (like NetFlix but with good movies -- and porn!) ($43.90)

Octophant Pillow ($49)

Marcel Dzama Sad Ghost Salt and Pepper Shakers ($50)

"Face Value" Mirror ($59.50)

Region-Free DVD Player ($69)

Razorblade Necklace ($110)

Boneware Serving Set from Michael Aram ($135)

Custom-Made, Personalized Action Figure ($299 - by the gay guy from Who Wants to Be a Superhero?)

I Still Know Not To Free-Ball in Running Shorts
Well, here we go kids -- the second season of the I Still Know! movie still trivia challenge is off like a shot, with an unprecedented number of entrants. Hot diggity!

The answer to the first challenge is of course the tran-tastic slasher Sleepaway Camp, and details the imminent demise of the movie's favorite underdressed villain (seriously -- what is with the costumes in that flick? Was it a gay porn star training camp?!) by killer bees.

Here are the first 5 correct entrants, which at this point also comprise the Leaderboard:

1. TommyRoss
2. Spazmo
3. Dogballz
4. Mike
5. BoyBlunder

These kids will each get two points, and all other correct entries get one point. And of course, this week's best WRONG answer (also worth two points) goes to:

WileEphile: "This is the scene in Carrie where she telekinetically gives Tommy Ross the hot shits in gym class."

Not only is this some smokin' fanfic, but it also has the double purpose of unwittingly dissing on one of the other contestants, TommyRoss. Nice work, WileEphile!

Make sure to tune back in on Monday nite for another deliciously entertaining challenge!

The Knee Jerk: November 24th
I know you'll all be swarming the local Old Navy to get an additional 25% off the already nauseatingly cheap sweatshop-created garments that you'll throw at your barely-tolerated relatives this Christmas -- but if you somehow make it to the moviehouse this weekend, here are a few tips.

The History Boys
While the goal of our brilliant young heroes may be to make it to university, the film’s focus is clearly the journey, not the destination. While it smacks of gay fantasy (unless all-male prep schools in suburban London in 1983 were far more progressive than I'd thought), it is undeniably inspiring to see a world where young men are encouraged to express themselves creatively (whether it be by singing Cole Porter or reenacting Now, Voyager in class) and develop a more fluid view of sexuality (while most of the students are straight, they are disinclined to fits of defensive machismo and speak openly about sex, even potential sex with other men). Having set out with a premise aimed more at challenging our understanding of education than satisfying our hunger for an emotionally satisfying story, The History Boys offers plenty to consider. Well acted and only occasionally dipping into melodrama (a standard pitfall of stage adaptations), this portrait of idealistic youths and the well-meaning but imperfect caretakers who help them along their way is thought-provoking, smart, and resolute in its refusal to provide easy answers to its own questions. Adolescence is a time when anything may or may not happen, a theme that is ultimately the film’s best lesson.

For my interview with the cast and director, head on over to AfterElton.com!

The Fountain
After years of speculation and expectation, I’m on the one hand relieved to say that The Fountain is an amazing piece of work. On the other hand, I’m less-than-relieved to say that it’s also a grueling cinematic experience for several reasons – least of all being its fractured, shifting narrative. The film is so intently focused on one moment, on one choice in a character’s life, that all of the emotions and corollaries of that moment get repeated over and over again, nearly – within the context of the film, at least – infinitely. Have you ever done something so regrettable that you’ve forced yourself to relive the moment over and over? Well, try doing that for six hundred years and you’ll get an idea of just how intense the sense of remorse in The Fountain really is. This film sat on my chest like a stone for about 4 hours after it ended – it was impossible for me to get out from under. Even days later, when describing the film to friends, I found myself choking up at its simple earnestness, its unabashed sentimentality. It got booed at Venice? Show me those people, and I’ll boo them – if not for their inability to enjoy, or at least appreciate, a deeply heartfelt and beautiful work of art, then for the callousness they showed to their fellow audience members in not allowing them to experience the film in their own way. Is everyone going to like this movie? Absolutely not. Is that a bad thing? I don’t think so – actually, most people will probably find it pretentious or vague or boring or even silly. But give it a chance, as this kind of divisive, challenging work seldom finds its way to screens – particularly in wide release – and it may prove something beautiful, memorable, and meaningful. If nothing else, you've never seen anything like it.

Thank You, and Goodnight
Gotta love Thanksgiving -- no beter way to celebrate forcibly taking over a new land than by stuffing your fucking face. I for one will be up to my tits in turkey, acorn squash and pumpkin pie in just a few hours, but I wanted to take a second to be kind of serious.

Last year a wonderful reader dropped me a note on Thanksgiving to tell me that he was going over the things that he was thankful for, and one of them was this site. I of course advised him to seek help immediately, but it actually really got to me. So I thought I'd take a minute to thank all you kids for checking in, playing my silly games, dropping me notes, and keeping the gay horror dream alive. This site has brought me some wonderful new friends and colleagues, exciting opportunities, and plenty of learning experiences, and for that I'm seriously really, really grateful.

Now go eat your fucking cranberry sauce and leave me to gorge myself in peace, alright?

Love,

Buzz

Holdin' On for a Hero
For you Heroes-lovin' bitches:

Okay, so did the cheerleader's cute, gay-seeming best friend Zack totally come out tonite? He was so cool about it that I kind of couldn't really tell if he was gay and proud of it or not gay and so comfortable about himself that he didn't care that people called him gay. But I think he still is, right?

Either way, Claire punching out Jackie in the middle of the locker bay for saying that Zack should be wearing a tiara to homecoming was about the hottest thing ever.

Wait -- am I the only person who watches this shit?

It's Thunderdome Time , Bitches!
Like a persistent rash, the I Still Know! challenge is back to wreak havoc on your nether-regions - and no amount of Gold Bond Medicated Powder can cool its unbridled triviality! Hold on -- what the hell is "teter"?

Anyway, here's the still, and you have until Friday to answer it. Head on over to the game's page for complete rules. Play hard, hoes!

I'll Always Know!
Yes, kids -- it's time. After a breather, I'm ready to plunge you back into the icy-cold waters of movie still trivia madness with the long-awaited second season of the I Still Know! challenge. Prepare for some serious shrinkage.

This round I've got a few surprises in store, the first of which is a modified scoring system. The first 5 correct entries will still get 2 points, with all other correct entries earning 1 point. BUT - I will now grant two points each week to the best WRONG answer, chosen completely at my own discretion. So even if you don't know the right answer, wow me with a funny or appropriate wrong answer and you may still be in the game -- but remember, only the best wrong answer gets any points at all. There will also be special challenges now and then to gain extra points (I'm really psyched about this -- one will be coming along very soon...), and as always, shirtless pics curry favor with the judges -- those judges, of course, being my gonads. The winner of the round will get a CampBlood.org t-shirt and probably whatever I get for Christmas from my Aunt Bernie (sorry, Bern -- you can't gift for shit).

So remember, kids -- starting Monday nite, check in and throw down!

(if you're new to this and want to study up, check out the last round, in a handy and fun self-test format!)

After Dark Horror Fest: 8 Films that Couldn't Get Distribution
Okay, maybe that's a little harsh. But you're probably asking, "what's up with this whole 8 Films to Die For bullshit that I've been seeing everywhere? And is that Olivia Mun from G4's Attack of the Show getting her back munched by a lion in the omnipresent and increasingly annoying ads?"

Well, the answer to that second part is "no" (at least I'm hoping it is, for Olivia's sake -- we love you, girl!). And the first part is a tough one. Are we really supposed to believe that these movies didn't get regular distribution because they were "too extreme"? Uh, I doubt it -- they were more likely "too unbankable", "too shot-on-video", or "too piece of shit". But before you fire off an angry email calling me a sellout establishment bastard, let me say this -- that doesn't necessarily mean that they're not worth seeing and don't deserve an audience. And really, your chances with this lot can't be any worse than your chances with the crap that's hitting the theatres these days, so it's kind of a non-issue.

Anyway, I've seen two of the 8 (or actually 9, at this point) films, and they are already a mixed bag. Here are my mini-reviews, in case you're interested.

The Gravedancers
From the brutal, shocking opening scene through the effects-laden finale, this is indie filmmaking the likes of which we seldom see. The script is fresh and clever, the performances are surprisingly solid (these are characters, not caricatures), the production values are impossibly high, the score is gorgeous, and the direction and editing are clean, purposeful, and at times cracklingly effective. When the shit really hits the fan near the end, they do some major property damage, which is always a hell of a lot of fun to watch. They certainly don’t cut any corners on stunt work (there are some poltergeist-related smackdowns that will make you wince), and there’s even some much-welcomed creature design snuck in near the end that’s wonderfully creepy. The only times that the illusion is broken are, of course, when CGI rears its ugly, pixellated head near the end – but honestly, when is that NOT the case? I can appreciate that some practical effects are simply too costly (or just plain impossible) to do, and if CGI is the only way to connect the dots, I can understand that. It is a shame, though – for the first hour things are damn-near pitch-perfect. If you’re sick of plotless wink-wink horror movies stuffed with disposable teens and throwaway villains and prefer your horror to be smart, well-composed and just a bit mean, then The Gravedancers is for you. If not, well... is Venom on video yet?

Snoop Dog's Hood of Horror
Oh. My. God. I actually got this movie about a month ago and it was so bad that I destroyed the DVD immediately so that its suckiness couldn't escape into my home and fuck with my appliances. Seriously -- it's AWFUL. From the cheap look and feel to the ugly lighting to the hammy acting to the befuddling "morals" that this urban horror anthology tries to communicate, it's just one wrong choice after another. The animated segments aren't really even animated -- they're more like tableaus faded into one another. I remember as a kid renting Ted E. Bear and the Great Bare Scare at my local video store and being totally pissed off at how crappy the one-frame-per-every-5 seconds "animation" was -- this is exactly the same thing. The cautionary tales are downright confusing in their morality (not to mention hackneyed and boring), and the assorted ghoulish goings-on are so cheap and poorly-executed that they're laughable (one of the "demon hoes" flanking Snoop in his regrettable wraparound bits -- we love you, Snoop! Get the fuck out of this! -- easily steals the film with her community theatre haunted house "scary acting" and bad prosthetics). I think they were aiming for Creepshow, but they made a Crapshow. Not funny, not scary, not fresh. Avoid at all costs.

The Knee Jerk: November 17
Yes, kids -- the jerk is back with his unsolicited thoughts on the non-horror releases of the week (like how I'm speaking about myself in the third person, as if there were more than one lonely drunk flying this jet?). Since I'm a few weeks behind, I'm also adding a few limited-release films that are opening wider -- not that a wider opening is usually something to celebrate, right kids? Right?

(*crickets*)

Happy Feet
More like Environmentally Responsible, Emotionally Resonant, and Sorta Bleak Feet. In all, the story is a bit thin and the tone a bit glum – the punctuated song-and-dance numbers feel like acts of desperation against the harsh elements and bleak reality of imminent death or abandonment more than expressions of pure joy. And while I’m all for family films that challenge the format and dare to introduce legitimate danger or sadness into their stories, this one almost pushed it too far. While Happy Feet is a technical marvel and an emotionally more complex dancing penguin film than you may have been expecting, it won’t exactly have you tap-dancing out of the theatre. And is this bizarre medley of pop-song-warbling penguins and lavish dance numbers yet another thinly-veiled "coming out" story, or am I just wearing fag-colored glasses?

Bobby
For those of us who hated Crash for its smug insistence that the human race is stuck where it is due to hatred and intolerance (not to mention its ridiculously overwrought and clichéd execution), Bobby is a welcome antidote, a film that dares to imagine a better world by looking back to a time that almost was, a moment where we were robbed of our innocence. Oddly enough, Bobby tells the story not of Senator Robert Kennedy, but of 22 of the (imagined) inhabitants, guests, and staff of Los Angeles’ Ambassador Hotel on June 6th, 1968 – the day that Kennedy was shot dead by Sirhan Sirhan. Interestingly enough, Kennedy himself never appears on screen as a part of the ensemble (aside from a few body-double shots in the climactic scene), and no actor stands in to recreate his presence (Dallas Roberts must be foaming at the mouth): we see Kennedy only through actual news footage from the time, as he blazed his campaign trail through California during the primaries. Instead, the focus is on the people that Kennedy and his message of compassion and harmony inspired – the same people who would be most affected by his death, either because of their belief in his message or because they literally came into the line of fire on that tragic night. Bobby makes you leave the theatre wanting to make the world a kinder and more compassionate place, not to scream at the person who just rear-ended you in L.A. traffic. And if that’s not a fitting tribute to Kennedy’s legacy and a worthwhile reason to head to the theatres, I don’t know what is.

Note: Yes, I do realize that above I consider a movie about a man being shot to be inspirational and a movie about a dancing penguin to be depressing. That's just how I roll. As always, you can find the full reviews over at ye olde Rotten Tomatoes.

Volver
Brilliance, pure and simple. The miracle of Almodovar's films is not necessarily in their plots (which feel like recycled soap operas, for the most part), their performances (which are unnatural at best, and occasionally border on the absurd), or their themes (which are pretty consistent across his canon): the miracle is in the sheer effortlessness of their execution. Big Gay Pedro is one of the few director alive today who deserves to be called "maestro" -- his skill as a filmmaker is simply staggering, and his films are pristine, glimmering examples of pure artistic acuity. I defy anyone to see Volver and point out one false note -- from the gorgeous, thrilling score to the perfect pace to the beautifully-drawn characters to the undercurrent of buoyant, gentle humor, this movie is just sheer filmgoing bliss. Is it hilarious? No. Is the mystery incredibly clever? No. Are the performances Oscar-worthy? Absolutely not. But Almodovar's gentle hand molds all these elements perfectly, smoothing the sharp, attention-getting corners and softening the plot twists. And on top of it, he rescues Penelope Cruz from complete career annihilation by letting her beauty, charm, and grit shine through. God, this guy's good.

Borat
Believe it or not, this movie really is as funny as it thinks it is. While it may not be a gut-buster like Jackass or demand repeat viewings like The Big Liebowski or Clue, it does manage to somehow pull off its rather ridiculous conceit (that of being a documentary about the USA by staggeringly incompetent Kazakhstani reporter Borat Sagdiyev) and provide a cursory story arc in the process. While some of Borat's interactions with clueless Americans play better than others (the dinner party scene in Texas is probably one of the most painfully funny things I've ever seen in my life), Borat creator Sasha Baron Cohen and scripter Anthony Hines are smart enough to throw in a heartbreaking buddy-story, a giant pet bear, and a quest to find and wed Pamela Anderson into the mix to keep the story moving. The climactic scene with Anderson is impeccably executed and other moments (the cockroaches in the bed and breakfast; the "running of the Jew"; the nude hotel wrestling match) will be burned into your memory forever, I guarantee. It's also fun to see Cohen making the funny with the gays yet again (after playing a gay French racecar driver in Talladega Nights) -- his continued insistence to readdress the way that we categorize and view gays -- particularly in the media -- still impresses me. Sure, he gets a few laughs out of the gays as well, but it's at the expense of those who don't understand what gay means, not us. Besides, how many movies use a rubber fist as a makeshift prosthetic? That shit's funny.

Let CampBlood Trim Your Tree!
I've got great news, kids! The CampBlood Swag Outlet (er... our crappy, free Cafepress store) has an offer that will ensure that you can all afford to buy presents for your horror-loving homo friends without breaking your precious Tina budget. We've added a bunch of funsy items to the shop, including Humbert's Revenge Keepsake Ornaments (pictured at right), buttons, magnets, and even Postage Pals, whatever the hell those are. Seriously -- nothing stuffs a stocking like some random shit from CampBlood, and there's even a big sale on ornaments to make all that stuffing even less painful! Head on over and check it out -- your office Secret Santa will thank you!

Geek Love That Dare Not Speak Its Name
I kind of hate Time Out New York (which is kind of the TV Guide for all things NYC) ever since they ran a story about obesity in the city and felt it appropriate to conveniently eliminate all minorities and non-central-Manhattanites in order to prove that New Yorkers were really the thinnest and most fabulous people in the country (it was something like: "Well, when people talk about New York City they're really talking about Manhattan, so we can rule out the outer boroughs where the fat Italians and Hasidic Jews and old Russian ladies live... and nobody goes to Harlem where all the junk-food-eating black people and PRs live, so REALLY New York City is only Manhattan between Canal and 86th Street, which is totally thin -- so New York City is, like, TOTALLY skinnier than the national average! Aren't we gorgeous?!").

But every now and again they print something funny or interesting, and that happened recently when they ran a profile on a friend of mine, Sam Hatmaker, who is a compulsive Wonder Woman collector (and, oddly enough, a toymaker, not a hatmaker). How much do I love it when a magazine can run a story about a gay man and his gayness is the least interesting thing about him? THIS much. Check out the piece HERE.

It's The Great Search String, Charlie Brown!
Every month or so I like to take a look at the stats of this rickshaw and see what kind of people are visiting. My favorite data point is the Search String Report, which shows the search terms that visitors types into various search engines (Google, Dogpile, etc.) that led them here. People, you have some serious fucking issues to work out, and that’s all I have to say on the matter.

hulk hogan halloween costume
Ask, and you shall receive.

danny lopes himbo
I’d like to think that Danny was never called a himbo until we did this. Wear it like a crown, Danny.

deborah raffin dancing hamburger
This one is tried and true – every month some poor soul who was scarred by the opening scene of movie-of-the-week Mind Over Murder (aka Deadly Vision) types in “deborah raffin dancing hamburger” and finds some sweet relief when they read this.

menstruating for 12 days
Well, I’m no expert on these things, but that sounds a bit much. In any case, don’t go swimming.

kari wuhrer penis
No, Kari isn’t a trannie (at least, not that I know of) – she just had a hilarious scene in King of the Ants where she let it all hang out.

directions to campblood
Second star to the right, and straight on ‘til morning…

i ate my twin
Unless you’re one of the London brothers, I can't see that being a good thing.

pschology experiment taking a muscle and putting it under water and pump it water volume doesnt change
Um, I call that “My weekend with Ryan Reynolds Fan-Fic”

civil war ginger cakes
They're in my recipe book, right after Genocide Blondies.

size seven poop chute
Who’s asking, swamp-ass?

shit at 24 frames per second troll
Yaaaaaay!

great pumpkin penis
That sounds painful. Seasonal, but painful.

mexican eats and fornicates dogs
Well, if it's a Devil Dog, who can blame them?

halloween costume for joan crawford
For Joan Crawford, or Of Joan Crawford? I personally think she’d make a great hobo.

chimichanga barbara streisand answering machine
You know, given her size as of late I wouldn’t be surprised if she thought her answering machine were a chimichanga.

amish woman armpit
Um….. no.

gay man s anus burger
Yaaaaaaay!

buttfucked to death
Methinks the lady doth protest too much.

i m so low that i wish i was dead with a knife in my chest and a porn
Awwww… does someone need me to call him a waahmbulance? Waaah, waaah, waaaaaaaaaaaaah!

twilight zone movie based on the lamb to the slaughter
It’s an episode of Alfred Hitchcock Presents, and it originally starred the wonderful, late Barbara Bel Geddes. Whoever you are, call me.

horror homoerotic male shower scene
Take your pick, jocko.

black trannie magic
It’s called “tucking and taping”, darling, and no – don’t ask me how they do it.

matt dallas came daze
I think they meant Camp Daze, which featured Matt out loud and out proud, but I myself get a bit woozy after busting a good one.

Slashvideo Explosion!
This week the kids at AfterElton ran a story about slashvideo, which is what happens when overhormonal nerds get a hold of primitive editing software and Quicktime files of their favorite characters and proceed to sexify their relationships. Not surprisingly, the gays are all over this kind of remixing (I posted an Andrew/Spike mashup from the Buffyverse a few weeks ago, if I'm not mistaken), and some of the results are pretty damn hilarious. If you're a fan of Star Trek, Angel, Lost, Smallville, or Harry Potter (which is a bit "eeew" to me, but whatever), head on over the article, which is packed with links to some of the best vids on the net. What a better way to wile away Veteran's Day (Observed)?

Reading the Entrails...

Woman Fatally Bitten in Church Ritual (CLICK) (t/y Zack)

Patches the Carnivorous, Car-riding Horse (CLICK) (t/y Lorrie)

I've been searching for this online for months, and finally found it. Get ready to fall in love with Lucille Cataldo... (CLICK)

Tease-a-Louise!

Le Freak: The French Do Gay Horror!
A delightful reader in France hipped me to a French horror comedy that opened recently called -- get this -- Poltergay. It apparently tells the story of a young straight couple who move into a mansion that was apparently once a gay disco and is now haunted by the ghosts of a bunch of disco queens that only the husband can see, leading him to question his own sexuality. HOT, right?!

Well, apparently not. Despite boasting a fun premise and a great trailer (on the film's official site), the film hasn't fared well with critics, who we all know are always right. RIGHT?

Anyway, I still can't wait to see it. Big French kisses and crusty baguettes to Francis for the tip! Ich bin ein Frenchman!

DeCoteau Goes from Twinks to Bears
I've got some great news for both fans of boys-in-undies genre king Dave DeCoteau and fans of Grizzly: Dave has been tapped to direct a Sci-Fi Channel original movie called Grizzly Rage. Dave's actually almost done with the flick, whicih is the first of a ten-picture deal that Rapid Heart has signed with the cable net. I'm guessing that Dave's Leeches caught the Sci-Fi guys by surprised (and gave 'em just a teeny bit of a hard-on) and they thought, "well if he can do leeches, how about 800-pound bears?". That's how things work in Hollywood, see.

I'm excited to see Dave do a nature-run-amok movie for television -- the Final Twink bit was getting a bit lean for me (sorry, but Beastly Boyz ain't all it's cracked up to be -- check out my painfully negative review). Congrats on the deal, Dave! Can I put in a request for a movie about radioactively enlarged and exceedingly ill-mannered kittens? It'll be a smash!

Check out Dread Central for the full story.

Reading the Entrails...

This is seriously disgusting. Even were I not a fan of her work (particularly in The Unbelievable Truth), it would still represent everything that terrifies me about living in this city: (CLICK)

Less cowbell! (CLICK)

Buzz Comes Clean
I seriously have a one-way passive-aggressive relationship with you people. Passive-aggressive because I feel so guilty when I don't have time to write or post a