Support Your Local Lousy Horror Movie
Now, you regular readers (sit down, Ma!) can attest that I rarely, if ever, discuss box office on these moist, wrinkled pages – it’s really not a concern of mine and I generally don’t pay too much attention to it unless it means that Ryan Reynolds will be forced into another shirtless role to appease the masses. But I checked on the numbers for Paul Schrader’s abysmal Dominion: A Prequel to the Exorcist (aka, “Buzz’s Shit-Stained Pariah of 2005”) and was delighted to learn that it made $138,311 in its opening weekend on only 110 screens. That’s a per-screen average of $1,257.373 for the weekend. Assuming an average ticket price of $7, we’re looking at a whopping 179.6 people per theatre for the whole weekend… and don’t knock that two-thirds of a person – those little buggers eat their weight in overpriced popcorn!

Seriously, this is the most abysmal turnout for a horror film I’ve ever seen. Did you kids not read my review? Did you mistake my 0 out of 5 Skullies as a recommendation to NOT see the film? Nonononono – the film is a non-stop LAUGH RIOT, people. Please – do us a favor and run out to your local theatre to check this one out. If it doesn’t break a million, Mary Beth Hurt won’t be able to go out to dinner for a whole year.

Eric Nies, Your Agent is Paging You
So the Weinstein & Co. announcements seem to have everyone worked into a self-fanning, “OMGit’sgonnabelikeFourRoomsonlywithoutthetwoboringestdirectors” tizzy with their news about the upcoming Quentin Tarantino/Robert Rodriguez omnibus feature Grind House, which will involve each of the directors shooting a 60-minute horror film, with old-timey trailers, reels, and what-have-you in between. Sort of like Two Evil Eyes meets Amazon Women on the Moon, I guess. Initially the hairs on the back of my next stood up in delicious anticipation: sure, I hate Tarantino’s endlessly derivative and ridiculously so-daring-you-don’t-realize-how-safe-they-actually-are films, and Rodriguez has proven without a doubt that he is far better-suited to direct Power Rangers episodes than anything resembling feature films, but still – if these guys were to deliver flat-out horror movies rather than the genre-hybrid crap they’ve been hemorrhaging lately, might it not be excellent?

I mean, what if our beloved slasher genre was doused with the admittedly bone-crunching action of Kill Bill and the eyeball-popping visual sense of Sin City? Or if Tarantino’s best hissyfits of dark humor and Rodriguez’s percussive editing were used to propel a supernatural gorefest? Couldn’t that be just bliss?!?!?

Then I remembered – From Dusk ‘Til Dawn sucked total ass.

PS – The Grind House has no relation to the early-90’s MTV dance party show The Grind, starring Real Worlder Eric Nies, no matter how hard I wish it did. Rawr.

Guys I'd Like to Pork
I've been up to no good again over at the ladies' horror site Pretty-Scary.net. This month is Sex Month over at the site, and I took the opportunity to write a dissertation on the most fuckable characters in horror films. There's the Catholic Schoolboy (Billy from Silent Night, Deadly Night), the Latin Lover (Miguel from Tintorera), and even the Physical Challenge (Allan from Monkey Shines) -- certainly a flavor for every twisted, unsavory mood. Do head on over and check it out!

NYC to get Hellbent (Hell to Freeze Over)
Here in New Jack City, we're oftentimes treated to first dibs on many things, from fashion to terrorist attacks to club music (and sometimes all three at once). So it's sort of odd that in the Sodom of the east coast (not to mention the cultural capital of the continent -- yes, Kichener, you can suck it!), we have yet to have a single screening of the homo horror movie Hellbent. Paul Etheredge-Ouzts' sissy slasher opus has played everywhere from Philadephia to New Guinea (just a guess), and yet not a single chance for us Gotham kids to check it out -- and I do not consider the Long Island Gay Lesbian Film Festival a viable option, mmkay?

Well, after long last, Hellbent will be screening as a part of the 2005 Newfest (New York Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual, Transgendered, Pickles, Onions on a Sesame Seed Bun Film Festival), which begins in mere weeks here in Manhattan. While this year's program does not feature as many "disturbing" or "dark" films as last year's, Hellbent is certainly a glittering gem in the starved, bloodshot, Robotussin-bleary eyes of little horror homos like myself. The screening is on June 10th, and ticket info can be found at the fest's official site. I'm seriously so excited I could shit.

To bone up on your Paul before the screening (wait -- did that come out right?), check out my interview of the disarmingly cute yet batshit insane maverick HERE. Otherwise, I'll see you bitches at the theatre -- I'll be the one in the Pucci tie-dyed unitard performing Medea in front of the concession stand.

Christian Slater: Who Knew?
He is one of the more curious actors of our generation, to be sure: from his breakout role as a teen psychopath in the classic Heathers to his recent turn as Tara Reid's protector (translate: parole officer?) in Alone in the Dark, Christian Slater has apparently chosen roles by handing darts to a chimpanzee and letting it throw them at the casting breakdowns. I can't say I would generally go to see a film because it features him in it, although I wouldn't necessarily walk out of the theatre if his puss popped up on-screen, either -- it's not like he's Billy Bob Thornton, after all.

So imagine my lack of reaction when his grinning mug manifested before me just the other day when I went to see the new Renny Harlin masterwork, Mindhunters (Renny of Deep Blue Sea genius, of course -- the shark movie that he reshot after Paul Schrader shot an "intelligent" and "adult" meditation on giant fish imbued with unholy intellects -- in my world, at least). The movie itself ain't really so bad, despite featuring Val Kilmer (period), and it does offer a few bits of deliciousness for the discerning homo eye -- not the least of which is a loving, lingering full-body shot of Slater's nude backside in a shower scene. Seriously -- when the camera crept around the corner and the fit, well-appointed fella under the shower nozzle came into view, I thought it was Will Kemp (he's in it, too) or the guy who looks like Ethan from Survivor (eh... no idea what his name was). But when we got to the fella's face, it was none other than Slater -- and there's no cut, so no body double was employed here. Hats off to sister Christian for keeping in such good shape for all these years and for having the guts to bare his shitcan for all the world to see. Oh, that's right -- no one went to see the damn movie anyway. Scratch that!

Happy Mother's Day
So even though Mother's Day was technically 5 days ago, we horror fags know better: thanks to one Pamela Voorhees, the real Mother's Day is Friday the 13th. I know I should have come up with something splashy and fabulous for this year's big day, but honestly I've been thrown for such a loop by the godawful Dominion: A Prequel to the Exorshits and the near-indefensibly mean and bleak Wolf Creek that I've been marinating in a hot bath of baby's blood (okay... it's Bloody Mary mix) all week just to calm my nerves (with my panties soaking in some Woolite in the sink, of course). But let me take this moment to give Lady V her props and wish a happy F13 to all you mama's boys.

Speaking of which, this would be a GREAT time to visit the Swag Shop and pick yerself up a killer Mama's Boy t-shirt, which cleverly features CampBlood's resident hockey-mask-wearing retarded sissy, Puckhead. Buy two, they're cheap -- and there's another Friday the 13th in the fall!

Also feel free to endulge your filthy nostalgia with my reviews of the original Friday the 13th and Friday the 13th: Part II. Or Mother's Day, for that matter.

Renny Harlin, You Have My Apologies
So even despite my unabashed love for the killer shark epic Deep Blue Sea, I was too distrusting of Renny Harlin to see his masterwork, Exorcist: The Beginning in the theatre. I did happen to catch the "good bits" later on when it hit DVD, and as I see children ripped apart by dogs on pretty much a daily basis (I do live in Brooklyn, you know), I wasn't too impressed. I was one of those indignant fucks who spouted off about how Paul Schrader (The Comfort of Strangers, Hardcore) had been robbed and how his intellectual approach was smothered by a commercial studio and blah blah, even after having read screenwriter Caleb Carr's scathing indictment of "Maestro Schrader's" work.

So imagine my utter horror when, last night at a screening of Paul Schrader's long-awaited Dominion: A Prequel to the Exorcist, I was treated to what is easily the worst film I have seen so far this year. In fact, were it not for Joel Schumacher's assload Phantom of the Opera blocking up the plumbing of late 2004, Dominion might be the worst film of the last FIVE years. I can't believe how clumsy, overwrought, amateurish, badly-shot, horrifically-acted, poorly scored, and downright lame this movie is. And all with the worst digital visual effects since Xanadu!

In short, it is my new favorite film of all time. Full review to follow...

And You Thought You Were a Pussy
Good friend Tintorera Joe turned me on to this simply brilliant piece of telejournalism -- see what happens when a Japanese teenage pop group is forced to watch The Ring, courtesy of Milkandcookies.com. I will never be embarrassed about anything I do in public, ever...again...

Click HERE for the genius.

Tribeca Film Fest Report: Ridden Hard, Put Away Wet Edition
My love affair with the Tribeca Film Festival is officially over -- with last night's star-studded, red-carpet premiere (yawn...) of the House of Wax remake, the horror portion of the program wound to a close, leaving today free for all of the documentaries on Baghdad to pat each other on the back, or something (I'll be too busy sitting through the godawful broadway Elvis musical "All Shook Up" to care -- no, I'm NOT paying for it, and the guy who plays Elvis is HOT...). Hell -- what's sitting for another 3 hours when I've spent a whole week doing it? I give it 2 days before the piles start setting in...

Anyway, House of Wax was ehhh... it's not a total disaster, but it's certainly nothing worth getting excited about. There's about an hour before ANYTHING happens, and the pace of the film is simply mind-boggling -- I think it was designed to allow people to take coke-breaks without having to miss anything (I did see a certain socialite step out at least once during the screening... I'm just sayin'...). Some gore, a few interesting sequences (the finale in the melting wax house is really neat, actually), and a fantastic, film-carrying performance by Elisha Cuthbert (whom I had the pleasure to meet -- tiny as a bug and sweet as pie -- unlike Paris, who wouldn't even come near me), but it's more House on Haunted Hill than Wrong Turn. Whatever that means...

I'll have a review up in a few days -- right now I have some Hound Dog to attend to...

Montage-a-Homo
I know I'm totally behind the times here, but I just can't stop playing with my Google. No, not Li'l Buzz -- the amazing Montage-a-Google internet photo montage maker-thingie. All you gotta do is click, type in a search term like, oh, say.... Ryan Reynolds, and watch the M-a-G work its magic. If you don't like the images it pulls up, click Create again, and it does it all over!

I've already built gorgeous montages for Betsy Palmer, Eyes of Laura Mars, Susan George, and of course Ryan (actually, type Ryan Reynolds Nude into the search box and see what happens -- very funny). I'd recommend it to anyone with lots of free wallspace and even more free time -- I've included the results for Campblood.org at the right, for your enjoyment: never before has a the window into my mind been so streak-free...

Check out Montage-a-Google NOW!

And while you're there, check out the pictures of creator Grant Robinson... hmm....

Tribeca Film Festival: Gun in My Mouth Edition
So we're rounding the final stretch of the Tribeca Film Festival, and I'm just about ready to hang it up for the year. Aside from getting shut out of screenings and having hours to kill in the armpit of Manhattan (oh, come on -- you try hanging out in the World Financial Center after dark!), I was able to catch a few good flicks here and there, and this weekend brings the promise of some good dead Paris at the East Coast premiere of the House of Wax remake (which I've been getting decidedly mixed reviews of, so far). Here's a mini-wrap of the horror shit I've seen since my last update:

Infection
This Japanese hospital horror is oddly similar to the lost Canadian camp curiosity Blue Monkey, only with a flesh-eating virus in place of a parasite bug. Early on, the potential for supernatural elements and the general hospital drama is pretty fun (this place makes Chicago Hope look like... um... St. Elsewhere?), and the slimy effects are really grody. But a last-act "wha-wha-WHA?" left me with a bad taste in my mouth, as did the frequent and none-too-subtle references to The Shining (the score, the little kid with the mask, the mirrors, etc.). Fun while it lasts -- walk out before the ending ruins it.

Reeker
Here, the ending actually doesn't ruin it, or at least it didn't for me -- others had a hard time with it. But this "lost-in-the-desert-on-the-way-to-a-raaaaaaaave" existential slasher is surprisingly layered, occasionally quite funny, nasty, and a lot of fun. As the kids begin being hassled by a creepy -- and smelly -- thing in a trenchcoat, the question turns from "hey, got any E?" to "hey -- why's that guy missing his legs?". Any film with a toilet death is aces in my book, but this one is even longer and more degrading than normal -- nice. A clever script and better-than-average production values instantly set this one apart from the pack, and in the end the mystery really does hold together.

I think both still have screenings left -- I'd definitely recommend Reeker, and Infection's fun too. Check out the full fest schedule HERE.

Ryan Reynolds Workout Alert!
Just a quick note to let you kids know that the Blade: Trinity DVD boasts a shitload of extra Ryan Reynolds material, including footage of Ryan working out, Ryan snarkily answering questions, and Ryan talking about his diarrhea. He also makes the dubious claim that "women have no anus", which is interesting on a number of levels. In short, the disc is actually a lot of fun, with great audio tracks and bonus material, and of course the film itself, which is actually pretty fun. Check out my review HERE.

Tribeca Film Fest Report: Chapped Ass Edition
So we're halfway through the Tribeca Film Fest, and so far I've been mostly pleasantly surprised with the genre fare and none too impressed with much else. The problem for me is that the schedule runs on about 14 simultaneous tracks, making it literally impossible to see everything you want, and with my duties as a horror writer taking the lead, I'm missing a lot of the documentaries on Baghdad. Oh, wait -- I'm just skipping those because they're depressing. But I did miss Transamerica (which features the lovely Felicity Huffman as a post-op transsexual), which is a bummer. But my ass can only take so much, people -- regardless of what you may have heard to the contrary.

So here's what I've seen thus far in terms of horror, with a recommendation here or there, in case you're in NYC and can catch another screening.

Shutter
This Thai horror film about a ghost who appears in pictures -- and out of them -- is surprisingly good and features one of the most solid twists I've seen in ages. Sure, it's more Girls with Wet Hair, but the ending more than makes up for it.

Modify
This body modification documentary is packed with stomach-turning images and seems to have a sort of point about tolerance toward people who alter their bodies: piercings, tattoos, bodybuilding, and gender reassignment are just a few of the procedures discussed. It's a nice portrait of the piercing community, but it doesn't go quite far enough for me.

Antibodies
German serial killer flick with beautiful photography, a seriously fucked up hero (religious torment and self-righteousness... just like Mother used to make), and a pretty awesome last-act deus ex machina that flies in the face of serial killer conventions. Sort of like Silence of the Lambs meets The Rapture -- with full-frontal male nudity!

Long Distance
A low-budget deal about a girl who gets phonecalls from a serial killer as he makes his way across the country to her suffers from High Tensionitis -- what would have otherwise been a decent story is obliterated by a silly twist that comes off as cheap and manipulative. Monica Keena's cleavage is at it again... (see my Freddy vs. Jason review for more detail). Marred by technical shortcomings and some clumsy direction, this one wasn't one of my favorites.

Premonition
A few neat sequences do not a cohesive film make, as evidenced by this head-scratching Japanese flick about a haunted newspaper that predicts deaths. This movie seriously makes absolutely no sense -- the newspaper literally chases the hero at one point, flying past his car window like the Wicked Witch of the West. The end plays out like a genre version of Groundhog Day (only thankfully without Andie MacDowell), and ultimately the few good scares are unable to hold up the nonexistent plot. A frustrating watch.

Putting the Aft in Craft
Not many people know this, but when I'm not busy scouring the globe for horror films with a queer angle, I like to spend my free time on creative and low-cost home decor projects. You know, the standard stuff: decoupage, faux-finishing, a clever little broken-tile mosaic ever now and then. So it's no surprise at all that I've got a new addiciton: Style Network's new show, Craft Corner Death Match. In this inspired show, "crafters" of various types and backgrounds are forced to compete against one another in nail-biting time-based challenges, as a panel of discerning judges looks on (I've seen everyone from Judy Gold to Frank DeCaro on this fucker), judging their every move. The winner goes on to face off against the Craft Lady of Steel (no, I'm not making any of this up) to try to win such amazing prizes as sewing products and subscriptions to Bust magazine.

Watching people make wind chimes out of silverware and knit at gunpoint is delicious enough, but that's not even the good part. The real kicker is the new addition to the Buzz's Future Husbands of America Coalition, Jason Jones.

Jones is apparently some sort of Canadian (ooooh...) comic and actor who appeared in some lousy movies before winning the gig as taskmaster to a bunch of hot-gluing lesbians. Armed with a sharp suit, an airhorn, and a decided lack of couth, Jason is sort of like a hotter Adam Corrolla (not tough, I realize), and his self-effacing, super-macho routine is hilarious in the face of all this sissy crafting. How can you not love a man who gets to unironically scream things like "Oh no -- SHE'S REACHING FOR THE PINKING SHEARS!" for a living?

Jason's IMDB profile would be utterly uneventful were it not for one intriguing entry: Midnight Temptations, a Skinemax-type erotic thriller that looks to provide lots of sweaty, unconvincing crotch-grinding and overaged strippers trying to act. I can't find any evidence that Jason actually gets nekkid in this trashy tidbit, but damn if I'm not gonna hunt it down and see! Jason has also had recurring roles on Queer as Folk and appeared in the made-for TV epic Terminal Invasion, with none other than Buzz's Future Husbands of America Coalition founder, Bruce Campbell. Oh, were I a urinal cake in the plumingless Port-a-Potty on that shoot...

Tribeca Film Festival: Paris Edition
Those of you who are based in New Jack City will be delighted to know that this year's Tribeca Film Festival is offering up a diverse host of horror and thriller fare, and even one documentary whose horrific real-life imagery rivals the most gratuitous gorefest ever filmed (Modify -- gruesome stuff!).

The Japanese are represented by Infection (about a hospital gone mad -- hey, wasn't that The Kingdom?) and Premonition (about a newspaper that predicts the future -- hey, wasn't that Early Edition?), the Thais have Shutter (about a haunted camera -- hey, wasn't that Stephen King's The Sun Dog?), the Germans have Antibodies (about an incarcerated serial killer who helps a detective track down a murderer -- hey, wasn't that Silence of the Lambs?), and the Yanks have Reeker (a group of kids go to a rave and get attacked by something -- hey, isn't that every direct-to-video movie made in the last 5 years?).

And of course, we'll all always have Paris, as everyone's favorite International Threat to Disease Control Paris Hilton bows in her first big-budget horror film, Dark Castle's remake of House of Wax. 3-D glasses not required; night vision goggles optional.

For more info and tickets, check out the fest's official site. The festivities kicked off tonite with The Interpreter, aka How to Shut Down the East Village Every Weekend for Months without Really Trying.

Ryan Reynolds, You Had Me at Hello
So Amityville: The Unnecessary Remake wasn't the total disaster I expected, but it's certainly nothing worth writing home about, either.

The upside: Ryan spends a good half of the film with his shirt off.

The bad news: when Ryan emerges from the water in his pajama bottoms, there's no wet clingage.

I'll have a full review up once I've replenished my fluids.

New and Improved Movies of the Weak!
Allow me to direct your attention to one of the stranger and more shadowed corners of this here little site, the Movies of the Weak database. Tended to with care by myself and the lovely and elegant Amanda By Night, the page is an ever-expanding resource for those of you who have a special place in your hearts for those campy old chestnuts of television years gone by.

I'm happy to announce that there are a slew of new recaps up (thanks to Miss Amanda!), from Bad Ronald to Scream, Pretty Peggy. In honor of this bounty of small-screen deliciousness, I've also enhanced the page by adding a list of Cross-Referencing elements with which you can navigate the glory. So whether your fetish is for Homes that Look Like Mexican Restaurants or Man-Eating Dogs, you're never more than a few clicks away from total, knee-shaking paradise. This shit puts the Dewey Decimal System to shame, yo!

Check out the unbridled fun HERE.

Hello Meat...
Okay, the Advertising Association of America is out to drive me fucking crazy.

Remember how I totally freaked out a few weeks back about the super-creepy homoerotic Brawny ad where the subordinated husband engages in some facial play and cake decorating with the hot new lumberjack? Well, our favorite repressed suburban hubby is back at it again in the equally bizarre new Burger King commercial, where he is basically assaulted at his front door and forced to eat a Western Omelette Sandwich while the King fornicates with his dog on the living room floor. What the fuck is up with this actor? Is he the new poster child for the powerless educated white man? Can someone please explain this all to me before my head explodes?

For the Burger King magic, click HERE.

For a highly amusing update to the Brawny Man saga, "Innocent Escapes" -- in which you can build your own one-on-one with a different Brawny man -- clicke HERE. My favorite line? "Hey -- I like pickles, too!"

Wax On, Wax Off
Is it just me, or does the House of Wax poster look like something out of a Bukkake video?

Fifty bucks says it was Paris's idea.

In Memorium: Debralee Scott
I was shocked as anyone else to hear that the lovely Debralee Scott -- star of the excellent and overlooked slasher spoof Pandemonium (she plays the no-nonsense, slutty Sandy), as well as Welcome Back Kotter, and much more -- died recently. Even more surprising was the news that she died of "natural causes" when she was only 52 -- quite a sobering thought, really. Regardless of the circumstances surrounding her untimely death, we here at CampBlood.org would like to extend our deepest and most sincere sympathies to the family and friends of Debralee -- she was truly an original.

Amityville: The Happy Meal
If you're like me, you've been looking forward to this week for months, as it will mark Phase 2 of your gradually deepening relationship with Ryan Reynolds's chest hair (you may remember that he was my Horror Hottie of 2004). But for all the noise and hubbub about the new Amityville remake (including the ceremonious box set release of the original 3 stinkers on DVD, complete with a "featurette" about the remake), I'm sure that one essential point has managed to elude you entirely: namely, the caliber of cuisine made available at the premiere party.

Fortunately, the bitches over at Defamer have posted a delightful firsthand account of the tender vittles that were served to lucky partigoers at the premiere celebration last week in El Lay. Click HERE for the juiciness, and remember: nothing is sexier than a man slathered in honey-based barbecue sauce.

Swagfest!
In honor of the Second Coming of Reynolds, I've whipped up a special limited-edition Amityville Whore t-shirt just in time for the release of his new sure-fire blockbuster filmed entertainment. Note that all proceeds from my online shop go toward paying for this site and feeding my poor, sweet malnourished orphan kitties. Buy two -- they're small.

Visit the magic HERE.

Shyamalan-a-Ding-Dong
So things are starting to look interesting in regards to the new M. Night Shantyland movie, There's a Fish with Tits in my Birdbath (aka: Lady in the Water). Reports are everywhere that Mr. Pinot noir himself, Paul Giamatti, is signing on for the lead role of a superintendent who finds a sea nymph in the swimming pool. I'm sorry, but that's just about the lamest concept I've ever heard -- although if you had told me years ago that his next movie was about 2 guys drinking wine for 120 minutes, I probably would have laughed that one off, too.

I Wish I Were a Canadian, Part 1,294
They've got Bob Clark, polite French-speaking people, lapdances, and now this...

Ryan Reynolds (aka: My Future Husband) swept Alpha Canadian Homo Scott Thompson off his wafer-light loafers at the Genie Awards (the Canadian equivalent of the Oscars) with a full man-kiss. I would normally hunt Thompson down and cut him like a hog, but I like his style, so I'll let him go. This time...

Seriously -- I knew that the Genies were super-cool because they've always recognized genre films as being artistically significant (Terror Train was up for Genies, people -- these Canucks know what they're doing). But we get fucking Adrian Brody mauling Halle Berry and they get THIS?!

I apologize for not sharing this image with you earlier (it's from the May 2004 telecast), but I've been keeping it very busy, believe me. A shirt-deprived Ryan hits screens next Friday in the Amityville Horror remake.

I Can't Even Go Straight to Hell
Since it's Friday, I thought I'd make sure that I enter the weekend primed for eternal damnation:

1) The Pope sucks cocks in Hell

2) Enjoy

Yawn City
Saw Sin City today -- eh...

Can't really say I enjoyed it all that much. Yes, it was interesting to look at -- but so is Jason Behr, and even he couldn't hold my interest for 2 hours and 9 minutes without doing something interesting. I guess when you create a universe where everyone is so universally bloodthirsty and without scruples, the beheadings and castrations just lose their oomph after the first hour (did we learn nothing from Kill Bill?). Elijah Wood certainly steals the show as the completely mind-fucking Kevin, and I guess everyone else does perfectly well within the room that their caricatures allow them. If something's going to be that bloody and brutal and disgusting (all of which I admire), shouldn't it at least have some sort of point? Or impact? As expected, lots of style, not much substance -- and a bit of a bore.

Don't It Make My Red Eyes Blue
Hats off to the folks who cut the trailer for the new Wes Craven thriller Red Eye, starring Mean Girl Rachel McAdams and near-zombie Cillian Murphy. Posing as a simple romantic comedy about two cute young folks who meet in an airport (think Forces of Nature, only starring two cute young folks), the preview takes a drastic turn after the wheels leave the ground, leaving the stage set for something sinister and the audience's jaws on the floor. I'm skeptical as to how Craven can keep the tension up when the entire film apparently takes place in the air (and without the star-studded casts of those fabulous Airport movies, why bother?), but I'm definitely impressed so far. But please just don't let this wind up another Panic Room...

Feminism: The Revenge
It's the beginning of the month, which means I've got a new Queer Fear column up on the deliciously diabolical Pretty-Scary.net (the first site for and by women in horror... and me). Heidi (sort of the Crypt Keeper in espadrilles) has started naming a theme for each month, and the theme for April is Feminism in Horror film. Not having even the slightest clue as to what Feminism is (flesh-eating virus? small citrus fruit? boy-band?), I embarked on a personal journey to discover how Feminism could relate to this genre that we know and love. Chock-full of references to hot flicks like Night School, Sleepaway Camp, and more, it's a bit of a hoot, and a whole lot of educashun.

Check it out over HERE. If you like it, vote on it, and feel free to leave comments in the comments section! But please don't talk about my butt -- it's a sore subject.

Buzz Gets Otherworldly
If you read this shit regularly (and I hope you don't), you might have noticed that I have little interest in comic books. So you might wonder why I'm really, really excited to announce that artist Phil Jimenez just this week released the first book of his series Otherworld (through Vertigo, a division of DC Comics). Well, let me essplain:

First off, Phil is a legend in the industry at a young age, having drawn Wonder Woman, The Invisibles, X-Men, and others (his hand was even double for Toby Maguire's in the costume-sketching scenes of Spiderman). His work is detailed, lush, and captures both character and movement in ways that have impressed just about everyone.

Second, Phil is openly gay and has always been, and brings his entire person -- queer included -- to his work. Otherworld, which is populated with a vast array of characters, has an openly gay character (or two? We'll see...), is refreshingly multi-ethnic and multi-racial, and boasts several strong female leads.

Third, Phil based all the characters on living models, and thinking that I for some reason had the right face for one of the characters, he was kind enough to give me a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity: be a character in a comic. And not just any comic -- a big, complex, beautiful meditation on war, responsibility, youth, and friendship. Now, I've only seen issue one (which came out yesterday), but damn if this book isn't all about D-R-A-M-A: cheating girlfriends, sissies, rivalries, tempers, drugs, sickness, and lots of other juicy bits. It's like if the cast of the O.C. were literally swept up in a giant dustpan and dropped into the middle of Willow (a magical realm is at war with a technological realm, and a bunch of L.A. kids get stuck in the middle -- yes, kind of like the old Dungeons and Dragons cartoon meets Tron). Not sure where it's going, but I'm looking forward to finding out -- and would be even if I didn't have a special attachment to the project. Do go check it out.

And my character is STRAIGHT! Mother will be so proud...

Valley of the Dolls
So I read on Dread Central today that the bizarrer-than-thou Japanese horror/comedy/dental hygeine film Marronnier is getting a DVD release this summer, which I think is smashing news. I caught the freaky little story (which is about a dollmaker who turns pretty girls into pretty wax girls -- and we're not talking douchebags like Paris Hilton, either) at the NYC Asian Film Fest last summer and wrote up my review HERE. Check it out -- and definitely catch the film if it pops up near you -- I have a feeling it's much more fun with an audience (like most things, right kids?).

Revenge of the Voluptuous Horror of the Search String Report
In installment 3 of "What really sick people look for on the Internets", (previously featured on 12/6 and 2/16), we enjoy yet another window into the truly twisted minds that find their way to my little corner of Sodom. Simply put, these are actual search strings that caused various search engines (Google, DogPile, what-have-you) to bring people to my site.

Recoil and enjoy…

"brawny homoerotic "
Ah, yes. Variations on the "horrifyingly homoerotic Brawny paper towel ad" search were very popular this month -- I guess I wasn't the only one who got tinglies in all the wrong places after seeing the disturbing and surreal ad. I find it comforting to think that such bizarre tactics are being used to sell paper towels, of all things -- what next? Rape fantasy shampoo commericials?

"sluts smothered in gravy"
Considering recent events at Wendy's (see the previous post below), I guess this really isn't that far from the realm of possibility. But even so -- I think a gravy is far too heavy a sauce for a slut: any sexually rapacious individual should be served with a lighter sauce, like a puttanesca.

"bareass male wrestlers"
Probably led here due to the hot open-ass gym class wrestling in A Nightmare on Elm Street 2, this person was likely disappointed nonetheless to find a cartoon featuring the love theme from Eyes of Laura Mars instead of... well, bareass male wrestlers.

"willem defoe in drag"
Not something my site features, and not something I ever want to see. I repeat: EVER.

"chuckie is retarded"
Oh dear! I hope this person isn't referring to CampBlood 'Special' Correspondent Chuckie, who has provided this site with oodles of wonderful insight and information (click HERE for his Comic Con coverage)! We prefer to consider him "a little undercooked".

"commander usa's groovy movies"
I adore this person, whoever he or she may be, because he/she shared a part of my childhood by enjoying the fat, chainsmoking superhero Commander USA and his cult movie show on Saturday afternoons in the 80s. The commander gave me my first glimpse of gems like The Children (and an oral fixation that won't quit).

"horror vampire sex nun cumming"
I had no idea Alan Cumming was a nun...

"is patrick wilson gay or straight?"
Straight. Which makes his hair in the abysmal Phantom of the Opera even less excuseable.

"nyc the hole jonathan robert threesome st. patrick's day"
This sounds like one of those Whose Line is It, Anyway? skits when they have the audience scream random things at the players and make them form a skit out of it. Although seeing Wayne Brady and Greg Proops act this one out would be a bit disturbing...

"i would laugh at guys in highschool who said funnier alanis"
Uh, yeah... that's... really funny...

"skeletons fagit"
Yay - someone else found it funny when the right-wing bullies in Dave Decoteau's Skeletons misspelled 'Faggot' -- as they carved it in one of the heroes' backs. Oops -- makes Winona Forever look like nothing by comparison.

"child's hazmat suit"
Believe it or not, I do feature these HERE. I'm looking out for you, and your evil adopted spawn.

Returning Bonus!

Scared Shirtless
Here’s the list of celebs (and non-celebs) that the freaks of the world would like to see shirtless this month (seriously, every item below + “shirtless” led someone here), in order of popularity:

Johnny Messner (127 different people)
Christopher Knight
Jesse Bradford
Evan Farmer
Jack Noseworthy
Sean Faris
Chad Allen
Eli Roth
Country Western (?)
Shawn Ashmore
Men
Ryan Reynolds
Dominic Purcell
George Eads
Jeremy Bloom
Elijah Wood
Christian Bale
Jeepers Creepers 2 guys
Nathan Watkins
Athletes
Joey Lawrence
Stephen Geoffreys (cough! here...)
Josh Hartnett
Seth Green
Riley Smith
Johnny Crawford

 

 

 

Tobe Hooper, Call Your Agent
Check this brilliance out:

CALIFORNIA: FINGERTIP FOUND IN CHILI AT WENDY'S
A woman bit into part of a human finger while eating a bowl of chili at a Wendy's restaurant, health officials in San Jose said. Officials said the fingertip was about one-and-a-half inches long and contained part of a manicured nail. The woman, who asked officials not to identify her, immediately spit it out and then vomited several times, said Martin Fenstersheib, the health officer for Santa Clara County. Health investigators seized all the ingredients at the restaurant and are tracing them to their manufacturers. They also asked all the employees at the restaurant to display their fingers; all digits were accounted for, officials said. (AP)

Note the crackerjack crisis-management skills being employed here: the employees were asked to show their digits, as if someone missing an inch and a half of a finger would still be serving Frosties. Considering that Wendy’s is notoriously anti-feminist (they’re staunchly anti-choice) and anti-gay (they have discriminatory employment policies and pulled their advertising from Ellen when she came out), I wouldn’t be surprised if Wendy’s were slowly disposing of lesbians through their succulent Dollar-Menu chili. The similarities to the plot of Texas Chain Saw Massacre 2 are uncanny -- does this mean Tobe Hooper gets a residual?

Screamin’ Screening in NYC
So the rapidly-expanding Mingle Mangle NYC social club (for those who love horror and those who love them) is hosting their first ever screening party next Tuesday, March 29th at Sugar in Manhattan (at 311 Church Street). There’s a happy hour from 5-7 and the screening proper is at 8 (a collection of shorts and feature trailers from members of the group)… and then more booze. These events are actually quite fun and I’ve met some great folks at them – do stop by if you’re in the area (in the interest of total disclosure, I do have a short screening in the program).

I’ll be the one in the Burberry onesie licking all the doorknobs….

Yes, Alice - There Is an Easter Bunny
I flat-out refuse to watch Peter Rottentail, so I opted to review another ridiculously Catholic (read: guilt-based) movie, Alice, Sweet Alice, just in time for the celebration of the rising of our Lord and Savior, the Marshmallow Peep. Check out my review -- it's quite funsy.

In an odd bit of synergy, CampBlood.org co-consiprator and all-around good-time gal Amanda By Night (she's the brains behind most of the Movies of the Weak) has just reviewed Alfred Sole's other horror entry, the excellent slasher spoof Pandemonium, over at the luxuriously feminine Pretty-Scary.net. Do check it out, and don't overdo it on the chocolate -- you're looking a bit soft as it is.

Gay by Dawn: One Night at Sarah Lawrence?
Actually, the horror/comedy short Gay by Dawn was made by a Columbia student, but let’s not split hairs. At any rate, the Chicago Horror Film Festival is screening this little number (which is about a bunch of rednecks sitting around telling scary stories as the gay woods around them threatens to Zhuzh them, or something) on April 2nd. I can’t make any claims to the quality of the film, as I haven’t seen it, but I wanted to bring it to the attention of you folks in the Midwest, as I know there’s very little else to do there (all together now: “Asshole!”).

Check out the Chicago Horror Fest’s site for a full lineup (which also features the intriguing Zombie Honeymoon), and if you catch the film (check out its official site for more info), let me know what you think. I also accept e-cards with dancing kittens..

Support Your Local Scream Queen
I owe Debbie Rochon after making some less-than-flattering comments about her appearance in the wretched Final Examination (I think I used the word “unctuous”). So when I received an email from her (okay, it was a mass email – but I can dream, right?) letting me know that her new movie Nowhere Man is screening at the sissy-friendly Quad Theatre in NYC, I had to pass it on. Written and directed by Tim McCann (whose Desolation Angels blew my fragile little mind when I saw it in high school – and not just because of its surreal cameos by Quentin Crisp), the film is about a man (the incredibly eye-friendly Michael Rodrick -- grrrrrr) whose penis is cut off and held for ransom by his wife (Rochon).

Wait -- penises and Debbie Rochon? That should be enough to get you queens in the theatre! The film is apparently quite a twisted ride, and you can be assured that I'll be there to ogle Rodrick's member -- AWOL or no -- at least once.

For showtimes, visit the Quad’s website.

America’s Next Top Leper?
So apparently next week’s America's Next Top Model will reveal that one of the contestants has contracted a disfiguring (flesh-eating?) virus, likely from sharing reanimated corpse Tyra Banks’s coke-straw. Actually, signs point to the fact that Michelle spends a lot of time with her face pressed to a wrestling mat as the real cause of the outbreak: you queens who do amateur wrestling at the Eagle should take note. I’m really hoping for something out of Dawn of the Dead or Cabin Fever here (as loathe as I am to invoke the foul movie), but the reality may be closer to what this poster on fansofrealitytv.com predicts:

Maybe she got a cold sore?
Hey, herpes is contagious and most people don't like having to deal with the cold sores.
That or a severe bout of pimples?
I doubt it's something that sends the model to the leprosarium in Molokai ala 19th century.

Well, conveniently enough, Elite Modeling Agency does happen to have its own leprosarium on East 22nd Street…

Chris Columbus: Ascot Queen?
So my friend and I were walking down Lexington Avenue in Manhattan last week when we noticed a somewhat ramshackle-looking crew shooting at a very busy intersection right outside of the YWCA. My friend wondered aloud, "Hmm, what do you think they're filming?" and after a quick assessment of the scene (no discernable stars, a simple shot of two women meeting and hugging "hello" on the corner), I responded, "Two women hugging in front of a YWCA? Probably another one of the those dyke TV shows."

Oddly enough, I was totally wrong. In fact, this ragtag bunch of artisans was filming exterior scenes from the upcoming suckfest Rent, which places Chris Columbus at the reins of the beloved East Village AIDS musical. Yes, that Chris Columbus. Yes, the one who wrote Gremlins and directed the two shitty Harry Potters. And Bicentennial Man.

Anyway, we popped by again a little later and the kids were a block down shooting in front of an Au Bon Pain (?!), with a few neat 80's-looking taxis in the foreground and that guy with the annoying scarf prancing down the sidewalk. Which made me wonder -- does Chris Columbus have some kind of scarf fetish? I mean, the narrator from Rent and Harry P. sport very similar neckwear. And then I think further -- hey, didn't the little girl from Adventures in Babysitting wear a scarf, too? And then my head almost blows clear off my shoulders -- WAIT! Wasn't the openly gay narrator from Rent IN Adventures in Babysitting?!

It's true, lady. Anthony Rapp has come full circle.

It's Almost Friday -- Where's My Remake?!
So here we are, with the ghastly Ring Two riding at number one at the box office (you people just don't listen), and for the first time in a long while, we have a remake opening on Friday that is NOT a remake of a horror film. Yes, in two short days you too can bear witness to Guess Who, the long-awaited screwball comedy remake of the classic Guess Who's Coming to Dinner?.

Or maybe you'd be better off to just sit in bed and complain instead -- I was unfortunate enough to catch an advance screening of this stinker and can assure you that it is the unfunniest comedy I've seen since Schindler's List. Wait -- was I just Punk'd?

Seriously -- skip it and see The Ballad of Jack and Rose instead. There's a gay character (I won't tell you who... mwuahahahah!), lots of hystrionics, gorgeous cinematography, and Catherine Keener doing her best Tori Amos impression. Fabulous!

Fuck Time Warner Cable
So you regular readers (and I know who you are... both of you) may have noticed that I haven't posted much in the last week. You may think that this is because I've been busy masturbating furiously to the press materials for the CBS made-for-Sci-Fi-wannabe Spring Break Shark Attack, which aired on Sunday. And you would be partly right. Aside from beating my dick like it owes me money, I also moved to a new apartment, and with it changed internet providers, cable, and all that. Well, as luck would have it, I set up my brand newfangled digital cable and VCR to tape this orgy of teen flesh and unconvincing fake killer fish and went to a friend's to watch Alice, Sweet Alice and Psycho III (a combination that I would only recommend to the most devout of Catholics on Palm Sunday). When I returned home, drunk on religious imagery and the glory of Juliette Cummins, I found that my fancy cable had sold me out for a new pair of sneakers, and was no longer working. So instead of a tape filled with half-naked California kids thrashing for their lives as FX artists flogged them with rubber sharks, I had nothing -- nothing but the tracks of my tears.

Anwyay, I bet it was awful -- but it did boast a lead performance by Riley Smith, perhaps best known to you perverts for his performance in the boys-in-undies-in-peril epic The Brotherhood.

Tony Todd: The Candyman Can
So Media Blasters is holding a test screening of its upcoming Shadow: Dead Riot at the NYC Two Boots Pioneer Theatre this Wednesday. In case you don't know what a test screening is, it's your chance to go see a movie and actually complain about it to the people who made it, in the hopes that they fix the damn thing before it comes out. So if you're still smarting from the November elections and need your voice to be heard, head on down to the Boots and bitch your little head off about this zombie actioner, which stars Tony Todd (seen most recently in the abysmal and grammar-defying Murder-Set-Pieces) and was written by Fangoria's Michael Gingold (who also penned Dave DeCoteau's Leeches). Ordinarily, a film about a prison riot and an army of ghouls wouldn't really be my cup of tea, but one particular line from the press release got me good and interested:

"Shadow stars Todd in the title role of a supernaturally endowed killer"

"Supernaturally endowed"? Sign me up!

For the full story and RSVP info, click HERE.

Ring Around the Bathtub
So I just got out of a screening of Ring Two (or The Ring 2, or The Ring Two, or whatever), and my prelimiary thoughts are this:

- 2005 will be known forever as the Year of the Bathtub. With Ring Deux, Hide and Seek, and Constantine prominently featuring tubs as primary setpieces, we will all soon fully undertand what the Bold Look of Kohler is really all about.

- Take a leak before you enter the theatre -- it's essentially 2 hours of dripping faucets and roaring surf.

- Creepy kids are officially no longer scary to anyone except their agents.

- Man, are the folks who are remaking Dark Water gonna be PISSED...

I'll have a full review up in a few days. Y'all come back now, ya hear?

Hellbent to Rock NYC
After months of bated breath (even Altoids can't help) and toe-tapping, we New Yawk sissies are finally going to get to see the homo slasher Hellbent, as it proudly rolls out its theatrical run on June 17th. Director (and gentleman) Paul Etheredge-Ouzts let me know that the sissy slasher will likely run in one of the Chelsea-area theatres (so that the girls don't have to stumble too far in their heels from the bars), which means it will likely screen a few auditoriums down from the Sing-Along Sound of Music and Xanadu.

I'll be at every screening, mark my words: look for the guy in the adult diaper licking the armrests in the back row.