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Lucy Lawless, John Heard, Dylan Neal, Mike Farrell
I knew I was hoping for too much when I thought that CBS might strike gold twice. Spring Break Shark Attack, which was a masterpiece of trash, could have been the launching board for the resurgence of the MOTW that I’ve held so near and dear to my heart since the 70s. Alas, this sleeper known as Locusts is just that… a snooze.

Lucy Lawless is Maddy, a top of her game scientist, but a lousy wife, who’s currently shutting down her ex-mentor’s (John Heard) unauthorized experiment in which he’s been secretly creating hybrid locusts that are immune to all forms of poison (and he’s doing this because…?). Unfortunately, after they torch the joint and a crazy mishap occurs, a few locusts get away and breed at the speed of Britney Spears. Before you realize that Lucy’s dye job is looking a little old, there are millions of locusts descending upon various parts of America. Soon after, Maddy finds out she’s pregnant, she criss-crosses Americana and helps her wayward husband salvage wheat. I’m on the edge of my seat now…

Television is no stranger to the “Animals Amok” genre that was so prevalent in the 70s. In fact, TV seemed a perfect platform to stage grand, but not too ambitious low-concept horror. It’s a dog-eat-dog world out there and I want to watch! Arguably, Vince Edward’s opus Maneater (1973) was the introduction of animals stalking humans on the small screen in a feature length format. What it begat was a slew of fabulous chillers including Killer Bees (1974), Locusts (1974 - hmmm, sound familiar?), Shark Kill (1976), The Savage Bees (1976) and The Beasts are on the Street (1978) among others. So, we have a basic blueprint here, the downtrodden man (or woman, preferably Kate Jackson -- ed: totally...) must face off with a force of nature, usually after several agonizingly painful deaths have occurred. This is where Locusts took the road less traveled. Where was all the killing, anyway? Yeah, a few hundred oranges got devoured and there was some (off screen) cow death, but besides a plane exploding waaaaay off in the distance, a disappointing assault on a high rise and watching Heard’s face get bloated to the size of balance ball (wait, that was before he was attacked!), the only revelation humans have is that locusts are darn pesky! Ewwww, scary!

But I have not lost faith! CBS has yet more horrors to thrust upon the unwavering public, Look for Rosie O’Donnell starring as a mentally challenged woman in Riding the Bus with My Sister! Now that’s scary!