The
Year in Queer Fear
Not to sound like a broken record, but 2006
was a somewhat shitty year for horror movies. Yes, we got a great
import from across the pond (The
Descent), but seeing as how we’re stupid fucking
Americans, the ending was lopped off so that we could better handle
it (further proof that Lionsgate believes all genre
fans to be halfwits). We were inundated with more remakes than ever
(with even more to come, worry ye not), all of which sucked total
horse-ass. Alarmingly, one of the best horror flicks of the year
– and one featuring the most interesting gay subtext –
was Hostel,
which was written and directed by the frat-tastic Eli Roth
(see, I do give credit where credit is due, darlings). Were it not
for a handful of direct-to-video or direct-to-cable offerings, this
year would have been an outright diaper-bomb. But as it was, there
are a few high points to celebrate and a few nadirs in which to
linger – shall we? Let’s!
Depressing
Trend #1: Remakes. Again. The
Omen. When a Stranger Calls. Pulse. The Wicker
Man. The
Hills Have Eyes. Black Christmas.
Get my point? Open letter to Hollywood: Stop putting our classics
into the hands of retards!!
Silver Lining #1: DVD Releases
Thanks to direct-to-video gems like The
Dark Hours, Mortuary,
and even the way-better-than-it-had-any-right-to-be slasher sequel
I’ll Always Know What You Did Last Summer (not
to mention limited-release pics like Three...Extremes,
Night
Watch, and The Gravedancers), the
year wasn’t a total bust. How these films get the shrift and
crap like Stay Alive gets 2000 screens I’ll
never understand…
Depressing Trend #2: Swamp Lighting
I don’t know how else to describe it, but I hate it. Take
a look at Stay Awake – I mean, Stay
Alive – or See No Evil and you’ll
see what I mean – everything looks like it’s underwater
and there’s absolutely no regard for continuity or realism,
even in movies where there’s supposed to be a demarcated line
between real and unreal. The office scenes in Stay Alive
alone (which look like they were lit with a series of penlights
despite the fact that it’s a busy office in the middle of
the day) were enough to make me want to piss on my television, even
when Frankie Muniz wasn’t onscreen.
Silver Lining #2: Vittorio Storaro Still Lives
Sure, he hasn’t turned out a good one in awhile, but the old
codger may still have gold in him.
*L.U.G.
= Lesbian Until Graduation (or until the end of the cave climbing
trip)
Ladies
with an attitude...
Did
someone say "sassy"?
(Nathan Fillion)
Elizabeth Banks is thrilled with the accolade.
And we all know this guy by now...
The
Peephole's Choice Awards
Yes,
kids – you voted, and I wrote them down. That’s
pretty much how this shit works.
And
the winners of the only gay-horror-movie-viewer-determined
awards that I can think of are:
Biggest
Disappointment
The Hills Have Eyes (review)
Most
Pleasant Surprise (tie)
Slither (review)
The Hills Have Eyes (review)
Horror
Hottie
Nathan Fillion (Slither)
Horror
Hoochie
Elizabeth Banks (Slither)
Horror
Homo
Buzz (thanks, guys)
Eli
Roth Award for Disparate Ratio of Exposure to Talent
Eli Roth (again!!)
Gayest
Moment in Horror Some
of you folks found the gay-boy bondage in Hostel
to be camp as a row of tents, while others thought that Henry
Rollins' pink sweatpants in Feast
just cried out for help. A few folks pointed out Belgian gay
arthouse horror flick Calvaire (which I still
can't bring myself to review for fear of offending everyone
in Western Europe), while others noted Holly's rainbow flag
sticker in The Descent. One enterprising
reader even pointed to my shrine
to Robey's hairstyles as a high (camp) point
of the year. But pound for gay pound, most viewers felt that
the Gayest Moment in Horror prize for the
year went to:
Thanks
to all who voted – and Stephen G. went
and won hisself a t-shirt just for playing! Congrats, bitch!
The
Skullies
The
Descent
The Omen
The Dark Hours
Best
Horror Film of 2006
(Wide Release) The Descent (review)
This one’s pretty hard to argue with, although I do
know one person whose opinion I value who didn’t like
it (don’t worry – I’ve had him taken care
of). I happen to think that this was as close to perfect horror
moviemaking as there is – everything from script to
acting to setting to pace to tone to effects to camera to
sound to resolution (in the original, at least) was pitch-perfect.
And it improves on repeated viewings – the relationships
amongst the women (who, admittedly, are a bit hard to tell
apart on first viewing – but you don’t hear people
complain about Japanese movies, do ya?) become more complex
and realistic and the true meaning of the title becomes more
horribly evident. I love that this was a movie about killer
mutant underground humanoids that could have done without
the killer mutant underground humanoids and still been utterly
terrifying.
Worst
Horror Film of 2006
The Omen (review)
A tough one, but I’m going to have to weigh source material,
budget, on-hand talent, and the staggering incompetence evident
in the final product in naming The Omen as
the worst horror movie of the year. Adding toothpaste-commercial
nightmares and lame digital effects to what is almost an unfuckupable
premise is just about the worst idea I can think of, and anyone
who thinks that Julia Stiles and Liev
Schreiber looked even remotely like they were born
in the same half-century needs to have their eyes fixed. Our
gal Mia Farrow almost pulled this one out
of the shitter by being the only person involved in the movie
who actually GOT IT, but the spectacularly poor casting of
the central character made even that impossible. Damien pouts
the world into darkness. How terribly exciting.
Best
Horror Film of 2006 (Limited or Direct-to-Video)
The Dark Hours (review)
This nasty little gem from Canada really took me by surprise
by the level of accomplishment in its script, acting, execution,
everything. Deadpan, twisted, and very creepy, this tale of
torment and madness in the woods goes for the jugular at the
right moments and also displays some measured restraint –
something sadly lacking from many American “loony”
films (community theatre-level crazy-acting is about the most
annoying thing in the world to me, sorry). Lead actress Kate
Greenhouse is simply amazing – and this bloody
saga is a great showcase for her gritty talent.
Most
Audacious Performance 2006
Mia Farrow – The Omen (review)
And I mean this in a good way, for once – her balls-to-the-wall
Mrs. Baylock was the lone bright spot in the otherwise pathetic
The Omen remake. May all our demon-sheltering
nannies be so entertaining.
Best
Mortgage Payment of 2006 Mia
Farrow – The Omen (again)
Hell, at least she worked for it.
Most
Overrated Film of 2006
The Hills Have Eyes (review)
I still can't see how anyone could have enjoyed this shockless,
redundant, clumsy heap. Sure, Dan Byrd plays
a great Final Boy, but otherwise what did this thing have
going for it? It looked cheap, it was wholly unoriginal (I'm
sorry, but even remakes can have originality), and it didn't
deserve the good response that it got. If it hadn't had that
High
Tension guy's name on it, no one would have even
given it a second thought.
How
could you say no to a face like that?
(Steven Strait, Horror Hottie of the Year)
Who, me?
(Shauna MacDonald, Horror Hoochie of the Year)
Horror
Hottie 2006
Steven Strait – The Covenant (review)
It’s not just that the guy’s hot (which he is),
but that Renny Harlin’s Teen Weeotch
opus spent so much fucking time and energy fetishizing his
body. If a body can be a wonderland, this guy’s is The
Great American Scream Machine – and a few million people
got the chance to feel every curve. Seriously, if the attention
paid to the lighting of his abs had been paid to producing
a decent script, this movie would have been the Citizen
Kane of Young Warlock in Love movies.
Horror
Hoochie 2006
Shauna MacDonald – The Descent (review)
Hell hath no fury, indeed. Shauna MacDonald
had the distinct pleasure of undergoing the most unpleasant
kind of rebirth (bloody baptism and everything) in Neil
Marshall’s chicks-in-a-cave horror movie, and
she looked great doing it.
Gayest
Horror Film of the Year 2006
The Covenant (review)
Sure, this was directed by noted heterosexual Renny
Harlin (the former Mr. Geena Davis),
but his Teen Witch saga owes more to homo horror auteur Dave
DeCoteau than Deep Blue Sea. From
top to bottom (ahem!) this flick was packed with lingering
glances, locker room hijinx, and even a character named Pogue,
which can be used as slang for “homo”. It just
does't get much gayer than this without full penetration.
Horror
Homo of the Year 2006
Tim Sullivan – 2001 Maniacs (review)
This year queer director Tim Sullivan released
2001
Maniacs, a decidedly bent horror film, and made
Driftwood, a movie about a gay ghost haunting
a boys’ reform school. Pretty good year for him, eh?
He also submitted to an interview
with CampBlood and spoke very candidly about
the ways in which Maniacs was manipulated by his producers
into being less gay-friendly than he had intended. And to
top it off, he won Pretty-Scary.net’s Scary
Stud of the Year competition. He’s either going
to have to grow another head for his tiaras or put them someplace
nontraditional. Congrats to Tim on a productive year –
looking forward to seeing what he comes up with next! Unless
it's another Snoop Dogg's Hood of Horror,
which I still haven't forgiven him for.
Most
Unintentionally Horrifying Film of 2006
Happy Feet
Seriously, did anyone else see this movie? It’s like
a musical set in a concentration camp. Mania, hallucinating
penguins, group-think, and the ever-looming specter of certain
death: the perfect ingredients for a toe-tapping family film!
Here's
to a Better 2007!
Well, at least I have my tattered VHS copy of Curtains
to keep me warm.
Let's
look at the biggest offenders of the year:
The
Omen
Snoop Dogg's Hood of Horror
Final Destination 3
Stay Alive
Black Christmas
When a Stranger Calls
The Wicker Man
Tamara
Chaos
An American Haunting
The Hills Have Eyes
BloodRayne
Ultraviolet
Pulse
The Grudge 2
The Covenant
Not
a pretty bunch, eh?But they were admittedly
balanced with a handful of solid pics:
The
Descent
Slither
Hard Candy
Hostel
Lady in the Water
See No Evil
Snakes on a Plane
Night Watch
Silent Hill
The Gravedancers
Mortuary
Three ... Extremes
The Dark Hours
Saw III
If
the studios can get a rein on the remakes and keep promoting
fresh talent (Stateside and from overseas), we may be on an
upswing yet.
