The
Year in Queer Fear
As with last year, I'm sorry to say -- but
this was a lousy year for horror movies. Aside from the onslaught
of shitty remakes (The Fog), sequels (The
Devil's Rejects), and video game adaptations (Alone
in the Dark), we had about 5 actual original films to choose
from -- and half of those sucked. Hopefully the early sucess of
Hostel,
which -- love it or hate it -- is at least an original idea, will
encourage studios to greenlight some edgier projects that aren't
limp retreads of movies that weren't really very good in the first
place (yes, Boogeyman -- I'm talking to you).
I'm
going to limit my Depressing Trends of the Year to just one, as
the rest of this post is negative enough already. But do read on
for the Peephole's Choice Awards (determined by
YOU, kids!), my picks of the year, and other random whining.
Depressing
Trend of the Year: Remake Nation
ALL OF THEM. Last year it was The Sequels that
unleashed a shitstorm of bad entertainment upon an unwitting and
all-too-easily-sated public; this year they actually didn’t
do too badly. Saw
II was oddly one of the best horror films of the year,
overall (despite having a lousy predecessor)
and even The
Devil’s Rejects was a marked improvement over
its source. But sadly, though the horror remake craze kicked off
with a considerable amount of promise (The
Texas Chain Saw Massacre, namely), this year boasted
a bumper crop of lousy retreads that all but destroyed the concept
- the best that we got was Amityville Horror, which
I'll freely admit would have been utterly worthless had it not starred
walking brisket Ryan Reynolds. But just wait –
The Fog and The Boogeyman are
just the tip of the shitsberg when you look at all the potentially-sucking
remakes in the works (When a Stranger Calls, Prom
Night, and The Hills Have Eyes, to name
a few – although the last actually looks promising and would
have to try pretty hard to be more boring than the original).
Lucky us.
Silver
Lining: DVDs
One unintended side-effect of the remake craze is that the original
films that are being so shamelessly pilfered get a better chance
of getting decent releases on DVD. Look at the loving box set that
come along with the Amityville release, that all
but overshadowed its by-the-numbers big-screen offspring. They say
that those who ignore history are doomed to repeat it -- but lucky
for us, those who exploit history have much to gain by digging it
out of the vaults and blowing the dust off it.
I
Only Have Eyes for Dudes
(Hellbent)
He
cleaned up just for YOU!
(Ryan Reynolds)
Rachel McAdams, winning an award that's totally not as cool
as this one.
Paul Etheredge-Ouzts, Horror Homo of the Year and Cutie-Pie
to boot!
The
Peephole's Choice Awards
I'm
honored to be able to provide what is, to my knowledge, the
only series of horror movie awards granted by the gay viewing
public. Thanks to the contributions of people all over the
world, we've got a decent indication of what the homo horror
community found to their liking this year. Drum-machine roll,
please...
Worst
Horror Movie of 2005
Alone in the Dark
Runner-Up: The Amityville Horror
Biggest
Disappointment of the Year Ring Two
Runner-Up: Cursed
Horror
Hottie of the Year
Ryan Reynolds (by a landslide)
Runner-Up: Nathan Phillips
Last
year's runner-up finally gets his due. Daddy's little baby's
all grows up!
Horror
Hoochie of the Year
Rachel McAdams (again, by a landslide)
Runner-Up: Asia Argento
I
would ordinarily argue that Red Eye, while
one of my favorite movies of the year, really isn't a horror
film. But then I remember Rachel's dewy eyes and flame-touched
hair and I just get all googly inside! Marry me, Rachel!
Horror
Homo of the Year
Paul Etheredge-Ouzts (writer/director, Hellbent)
Runner-Up: Paul won by a huge landslide.
Can't say I disagree!
Eli
Roth Award for Disparate Ratio of Exposure to Talent
Uwe Boll
Wow -- EliRoth has been
bumped from his own award. Guess it's fair, given that he
didn't even put out a movie last year, while Boll seemed to
put out 6 or 7, all of which sucked donkey nuts.
Gayest
Moment in Horror for 2005
Most of the "gayest moments" this year related to
specific characters in movies coming out to one another (Cursed,
Venom)
or masturbating at their friends' country houses (High
Tension). But a few of you surprised me -- one
reader pointed out Wolf
Creek director Greg McLean's
apparent fixation with lead hottie Nathan Phillips'
feet, while another named "beating off in a porn theatre
to The Final Terror" as their gayest
moment (and words cannot express how proud I am of you). But
the most consistent and frequently voted-for nominee was the
gayest horror film to ever hit theatres that wasn't a total
accident (yes, Freddy's
Revenge, I'm talking to you).
So,
the award goes to...
Hellbent.
For the second year in a row. I love Hellbent
and all, but will someone else please make another gay horror
movie? This is getting ridiculous!
Thanks
to everyone who voted this year -- if I learned anything from
this year's process, it's that you people ignore everything
I write. And for that I love you dearly.
The
Skullies
Land
of the Dead
Toolbox Murders
All this -- and talent, too!
(Simon Baker)
Lovely,
even when not covered in her own blood
(Cassandra Magrath)
Best
Horror Film of 2005
(Wide Release) Land of the Dead (review)
For deft handling of scares, comedy, gore, politics, action,
and spectacle, I gotta hand the Skully to
that old jerky treat George Romero for pulling
out of his cracked little ass one of the most assured and
best films of his checkered career. A perfect capper on the
Dead Quadrilogy (and leaps and bounds better than the last
entry, the criminally dull Day of the Dead)
and a crackerjack fun popcorn horror flick on its own, Land
skips along lightly, never letting the gross-out humor and
wacky anarchy get bogged down by rhetoric and character development,
even though both are there in spades. Visually arresting,
emotionally engaging, and far smarter than it has any right
to be, this is overall the strongest release of the year.
While some might take issue with the fact that it wasn’t
scary enough, take a look at the other flicks and try to find
one that was half as accomplished AND scary.
Best
Horror Film of 2005 (Limited or Direct-to-Video) Toolbox Murders (review)
Bucking the remake trend, Tobe Hooper (who
has fast become my “gets me as excited as a little girl”
director-to-beat) picked a pretty lousy original and while
keeping its core nastiness, gave it a hallucinatory twist
(which, to be honest, didn’t really work – but
it was still interesting). Packed with nasty deaths, rotting
production design, and some great, atmospheric moments, Toolbox
Murders works because it gives you the uneasy feeling
that literally anything can happen at any time – its
dilapidated hotel setting is a shifting, boobytrapped puzzlebox,
leaving the characters constantly open to all sorts of nasty
encounters. I was shocked when Toolbox didn’t get at
least a limited theatrical run after its success at festivals
(and given the crap that the studios put out this year), but
at least on video it had a nice run of it – and with
added head-drilling!
Best
Actor in Horror 2005 Simon Baker, Land of the Dead/Ring Two
Granted, one of magically delicious Aussie Simon Baker's
films this year was a complete dungpile (Ring
Two), but he was like a breath of fresh air even
in that soggy mess. Handsome, likeable, and apparently not
at all adverse to full-on genre fare despite his relative
mainstream success (The Guardian, for one),
Baker brought a considerable amount of class and heart to
George Romero's Land
of the Dead -- I would suggest that he is too
good an actor for such a project, but the film came together
so well that I can't really make that claim in this case.
Given that the rest of the horror films this year boasted
featherweight male leads culled from teen soap operas (Boogeyman,
House
of Wax, The Fog), it was refreshing
to see a grown man like Simon hogging the spotlight once or
twice. Here's to hoping he doesn't ditch the genre stuff once
he gets even bigger, which he's pretty much bound to do. Plus,
how can you not love a guy whose big break was playing a gay-for-pay
hustler who's found dead with a tummy full of man-nog (in
L.A. Confidential)?
Best
Actress in Horror 2005 Cassandra Magrath, Wolf Creek
Not to diminish Cassandra Magrath's riveting
faux-Final-Girl performance in Wolf
Creek, but the ladies didn't have much to work
with this year. Elisha Cuthbert may be the
lady most people are pulling for in this category, but she
honestly just seemed kind of pissed off during House
of Wax -- not that I can blame her, as she was
entirely upstaged by a porn star and a few tons of melting
wax. Pound for pound, I found Cassandra's performance in Wolf
Creek far more gutsy and identifiable -- I was with her every
step of the way. I don't see any movies on the slate for Cassandra
yet, which I hope changes very soon, as I'd like to see what
more she can do.
Worst
Horror Film of 2005 Dominion:
A Prequel to the Exorcist(review)
To quote The Kentucky Fried Movie, “Christ
– did a cow shit in here?” This movie goes beyond
bad, beyond camp, and beyond criminal, to become what is easily
the worst horror movie, drama, and any other kind of movie
to come out this year – and remember, I saw Guess
Who. After being plagued by production troubles (including
scribe Caleb Carr lashing out publicly at
director Paul Schrader), Warner pulled the
film entirely and re-shot it with the hacktastic (and occasionally
brilliant) Renny Harlin at the helm, which
was a decision akin to, “well, I’ve cut my toe
off, so I’m going to papercut myself in the corners
of my mouth with a cardboard box to distract myself from the
pain”. And yet, somehow, this wasn’t enough shame
and stupidity for one studio to suffer, so the next year Warner
inexplicably released the original heap of cowshit anyway,
to widely mixed reviews, lousy ticket sales, and the uncontrollable
laughter of one jaded faggot who happens to run this site.
In short, the one must-see film of the year.
Biggest
Disappointment of 2005
High Tension(review)
Actually, this film disappointed on many levels. First, the
movie itself is a fantastically unpleasant, intense shocker
that leads a horse to water only to fuck it in the ass with
a cactus once it gets there. Seriously -- never before has
a stupid and unnecessary twist ruined so much ground. Second,
Lion's Gate (or should I say "Lyin's Gate") reneged
on their promise to release the flick uncut in the states,
instead opting for a safer R-rated cut that trimmed down the
two things the film had going for it, the sex and the brutal
gore. Third, they fucking dubbed it. Thanks, guys -- nice
to know you think we're all retards.
Best
Mortgage Payment of 2005
Robert Deniro: Hide and Seek(review)
Following up on the promise that he made in last year's Godsend
(and apparently following the Nicholas Cage 5-year
Reputation-Destruction Diet), once-great Robert
Deniro appeared in this year's Hide
and Seek, a movie that was so contrived and stupid
that most people have probably forgotten that it even existed.
But aside from that, he actually let himself get out-acted
by a child, the eerie and possibly not human powerhouse of
suffering Dakota Fanning. Rumor has it Dakota
voluntarily took a paycut to get her name above-title. Smart
kid -- Robert might learn a thing or two from her.
Most
Overrated Film of 2005
The Devil's Rejects(review)
Even though it's an improvement over its predecessor in terms
of basic filmmaking, I refuse to let this pathetic attempt
at an exploitation flick slide. The fact that Rob
Zombie managed to make a sequel with pre-established
characters that gives us absolutely NOTHING more about them
is completely unacceptable -- what in God's name is the point
of having them reappear in the first place if they aren't
going to do anything? Idiots wandering around the desert as
the police apparently chase them is not the least bit interesting,
no matter how many badly-executed cameos you pepper it with.
Given the iconic status that the Firefly family achieved after
the first film, he could have literally shown them picking
their noses for 90 minutes and people would have loved it
-- which is exactly what he did. That's just lazy. I sincerely
hope he never makes another movie again.
She
came, she sawed, she lost her shit.
(Cecile de France, Horror Hoochie of the Year)
Horror
Hottie 2005
Ryan Reynolds (The Amityville Horror)
This might just be the swan song for our great Horror
Himbo (who also won last year for Blade:
Trinity) -- looks like he's not really feeling
the "run around shirtless and out-chest my love interest"
vibe anymore and may have left the genre behind for good.
But let's remember him as we know him best: wet, furry, and
gay-seeming. Ah, memories. Luckily, small-screen goofs like
Jared Padalecki and imports like the super-yummy
Nathan Phillips seem more than eager to pick
up the slack, not to mention the entire cast of Hellbent.
Keep 'em comin', boys!
Horror
Hoochie 2005
Cecile de France (High Tension) Yeah, I know -- I hated the movie.
But that girl was FIERCE. With her Annie-Lenox-on-steroids
look and sexy French accent (in the original version, anyway),
Cecile de France was just about the closest
thing to pure horror movie sex that I've seen all year. Is
it maybe unfair that I'm picking a woman who is intentionally
made to look masculine as the hottest girl in horror? Whatevah
-- I do what I want! There were reports last year that de
France's next project was a biopic of The Singing
Nun, which would be just the hottest thing I've ever
seen in my fucking life. Stay beautiful, Sister!
Gayest
Horror Film of the Year
Hellbent (review)
Blood, boys, and beyond -- unquestionably the gayest horror
movie to hit theatres this year -- or any year, for that matter
-- Hellbent
managed to pull off a little romance, a little trashy fun,
a bit of social commentary, and a handful of beheadings, all
wrapped up in a fun horror movie that offered plenty of tricks
with its treats. Cute boys, a chaotic setting, interesting
(and realistic) characterizations, and a good deal of the
red stuff made this one a solid genre flick with or without
the homo stuff (although it certainly didn't hurt). Also wins
my prize for the most audacious ending of the year, and the
most unexpected bit of body terror. Don't let your eyes wander,
boys!
Horror
Homo of the Year
Paul Etheredge-Ouzts, Hellbent Paul Etheredge-Ouzts' labor of love brought
together gay horror fans in a way they've never been brought
together before -- in actual movie theatres. Sure, sites like
this one might be a fun way for sissy freaks like you and
me to connect, but honestly -- movies are for enjoying with
other nuts, and Hellbent brought the fellas
out to the theatres to laugh and scream like little girls
together. And that's a beautiful thing. Big congrats to Paul
for pulling it off, and best of luck in his next project --
I can't wait to see what he comes up with next!
Not
to Be a Bitch - Again - but... the Only Way is Up?
Another shitty year, another excuse to rewatch Bloody
Birthday rather than waste money at the video store.
I
mean, it really can't get much worse than this shit:
White
Noise
Hide and Seek
House of Wax
Alone in the Dark
Boogeyman
The Fog
Dominion: A Prequel to the Exorcist
Ring Two
Venom
Cry Wolf
Cursed
Honestly
-- is that some kind of cruel joke? And that's just the shit
that made it into theatres - let's not even get into the direct-to-video
garbage that's stinking up the shelves at Blockbuster (Gingerdead
Man, you can EAT MY ASS!). Not that we care. Anyway,
here's to a better crop this year!
